The Strange Medium Guy with a Bad Haircut (aka Pearson Mui) presents Anime Detective: The Case of the Convention Chaos There was a time in the city when the temperatures got warmer, the days got longer, and the paperwork actually sank down to a manageable level. It was a lull that I'd become familiar with in the past few years working this job. What came after it was a barely-controlled chaos that struck fear into the uninitiated, bankrupted the wallets of the unwary, and exhausted even the most stalwart souls. They called it...The Con. For several years running, it had boasted the biggest names, the craziest parties, the most varied panels, and the weirdest fans. Anyone in the city knew what The Con was. It was a textbook demonstration of the triumvirate of dealer, guest, and attendee; without one, the other two couldn't hope to prosper. Guess who pulled security detail this year? I had a feeling that today wasn't going to be my usual bit of paperwork fighting. For one thing, it was too quiet in the precinct house. For another, just about every female officer was away from her desk. "Oi," Ryo greeted me from his desk. Criminately, he actually looked halfway professional today. Now I *know* something's going on. "Hey. Mind telling me why the place's like a tomb today?" "Well, they finally brought in Happosai." "Ah. And?" "And now, he's currently target number one at the gunnery range. I volunteered, but it seems to be a girls-only thing." "Funny, I thought you would've helped him get free. You both seem to have your minds in about the same place." Ryo snorted. "His kind of martial arts isn't exactly my style. Besides, since when have you actually seen Happosai *score* with a girl?" "Good point. So, you seen Nene around?" "Downstairs in the gunnery range. Apparently, she wants her shots in too. Seems he flipped up her skirt once." "That thing she wears in the office? How the heck--" Ryo looked me square in the eye. "This is Happosai, remember?" "Right..." I said, trying not to imagine what happened. "You know, the way you're talking, it sounds like you think you're better than that little lech." "In every way that counts...yup." He gave me that half-cocky grin of his. "Uh huh. Well, I'd better see if we can actually get some work done, and that means getting Nene up here." "Oh, the Chief wanted to see you after your first cup of coffee. Something about The Con, I think." "Gotcha." The gunnery range was about the same since I'd last qualified. The smell of gunpowder, smoke, and gun oil hung heavily in the air. Some political bigwig tried to suggest those VR shooting galleries in order to save ammo, but the Chief slapped him down. Personally, I agree with him; after all, it's easy to pull a trigger on a sim, but if you pull a trigger on a live gun, you *will* flinch if you're not prepared. I'm not a marksman of Ryo's class, but I generally can hit my target about 80% of the time, about average. BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! After the last shot, I heard a lot of guys groaning as they bent over, almost in sympathetic pain. Gee, three guesses as to where Happosai's been hit? I strode over to booth number seven, pausing only to doff my hat and put on some ear protection. The kid just kept blasting away with what I think were hard rubber training bullets. Not that it would've made much of a difference on Happosai, anyway. Ouch. The little lech was a wreck, what with all those bumps and bruises. Did I feel sorry for him? Hell, no. BLAMBLAMBLAM-CLICKCLICKCLICK! "Darn! Out of ammo!" the kid said, then popped the clip on her gun. It was about then that she noticed I was right behind her. "Morning, Andy! Want to take a shot?" "Nah, I'll pass, thanks. Feel better, now?" She gave me a sunny smile which could've been used to light up a stadium. "Much. What're you doing here?" "Just looking for my wayward office help. We've got a stack of paperwork two feet thick, and we can't wade through it without you." Nene frowned. "Is that all I am? Office help?" "No, you're also smart, cute, and altogether a nice girl to be around." The kid started blushing. I dunno why. It's the honest truth. Come to think of it, though...she's been smiling a lot more ever since Valentine's Day. "Th-thanks..." she got out. "S'okay. Anyway, after you're settled in, I've gotta get to the Chief's office. *Try* not to bend over when looking up files, okay?" I joked. "All right, Andrew," the Chief began, "you know the drill, right?" "I should," I remarked, "you've assigned me The Con in one way or another since I was a rookie." He harrumphed. "Anyway, there've been rumors that a couple of the anti-Animate groups are gonna protest The Con. Might want to keep an eye on 'em." "So, basically, you want me to keep the insanity level both inside and outside the hotel to a manageable level?" "Got it in one, Andrew." "WON-derful. Anything else I should know?" "Stan's taking care of the giant robot front. He's got some backup with the SV2 and the Tank Police in case things get rough." "I don't suppose that Ohta and Britain are making bets on who shoots first, are they?" "Actually, they've been pretty good. They ruled out firing on Gunbuster *real* fast." "Of course." I deadpanned. The Chief pointed to a map of the surrouding area. "The Bokuto precinct will be handling any potential traffic problems for about three city blocks all around." "Only three?" "Four for any mecha." "Better." "Anyway, that's pretty much it. I wish I could give you more support, but...oh, just one last thing." "That being?" "You and Ryo will be sharing security duties, but you'll be in overall charge." "What about Nene?" It occurred for me to ask. "Hm? Well, I don't think there's really much need for her office talents down there, so she's there on general call. If you need backup, let me know. Any other questions?" I shrugged. "Nothing that comes to mind." "Have fun, then. Think of it as a respite from the paperwork." Respite from the paperwork? Well...when he put it that way... Despite the hell I knew I'd undergo, I actually felt pretty good about things. I mean, when it comes down to it, all I had to do was spend three days in a hotel and keep the noise down. I went back to my office with something that was vaguely like a smile on my face. "All right, people. As soon as things are settled here, we're off to The Con." I announced. "Sounds good to me," Ryo said, about to shut down his computer. "I've been working on enough reports to last me a week." "Then how come you've got saliva in the corner of your mouth?" Nene asked. "Um...because I was so busy, I didn't even notice?" "Or was it because of your screen saver? As I recall, you've got some pretty--aha!" "What--?" Nene said as she peeked over, then recoiled backwards. "EWW!" I won't go into much detail, but I think it's safe to say that Ryo made a sizable dent in the street below when I knocked him out. Before shutting down his computer, I changed his screen saver to that of Keroppi and Tuxedo Sam dancing with Hello Kitty. "That...was..." Nene got out between ragged gasps. "Anatomically improbable, yeah. Try to think of something else for a while, okay?" She frowned in concentration. "It's not working." "Try to imagine a hot fudge sundae." I suggested. Nene blinked. "Now I'm thinking about that woman covered in ice cream and hot fudge with a cherry on top." "No, I meant *eating* a hot fudge sundae." "I'm eating the ice cream *off* her?!" she asked, blushing even more. "No, no, no..." I massaged my temples. Obviously, this wasn't working at all. "Okay, try to think of anything *except* all those cute UFO-catcher dolls that're going to be at The Con." She shook her head, then smiled. "That worked." "Good. Now all I have to do is leave a note for Ryo when he comes to--" SMACK! "PERVERT!" a female voice shrieked. A few seconds later, Ryo came in, nursing a rather large bruise on his face. "You know, some women just cannot understand that I can appreciate fine underwear." he groused. "Imagine that," I deadpanned. "Who was it this time?" "Naoko-chan in dispatch. I could tell that she shops at the Silky Doll pretty often." Ryo tried grinning, but winced instead. "By the way, Nene-chan...she's more daring than you think." "What do you mean?" "Let's just say that if things got hot, her underwear wouldn't get in the--GLK!" "I'm sorry, Ryo...*what* were you saying?" I asked, tightening his tie a bit. "I hope it has to do with you reserving some rooms for us down at The Con." "YeahyeahIgotitcoveredcouldyouleggoplease?" he rasped. I loosened up, and he coughed a bit. "Damn. I knew I should start wearing clip-ons." "What, and ruin your image of being a fashion-victim? Heaven forbid." "Aren't you *ever* gonna cut me a break?" Ryo groused. "Think more with your brains than your pants and I'll consider it." "The day that happens on a regular basis, I think we'll all regret it." he remarked. "Maybe. We'll never know, will we?" I changed the subject. "So, how much did you guys leave for me...whoa." I blinked at the stack on my desk. I've had worse days...but I've also had *much* better. Five hours, one lunch, twenty reports, and various implications of bodily harm later (all of them directed at Ryo), I decided that I'd had enough fun for one day. I leaned back in my chair and stretched, feeling my bones pop back into place. As if on cue, Ryo and Nene did the same. Funny how that happens. "Okay, people...go home and pack some stuff for the weekend. I'll meet you at The Con in about an hour after I've stocked up on Mylanta." A thought occurred to me. "Ryo, did you charge the rooms to the department?" "Of course. We didn't have enough money in the budget to get the penthouse, but I think you'll like what I got you." Ryo grinned. I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I decided to take it at face value. "Good. I'm still paying for what that wacko Sylia did to my car." I noticed Nene's vaguely sad face. Damn, I hate it when she looks like that. It makes me feel all mushy inside. I *hate* feeling mushy inside. Patting her on the shoulder, I mustered a smile. "Don't worry, kid. They'll get theirs, one way or another." "Do you really think so?" "Sure. Look at it this way: If the show's a success, then they'll eventually be mobbed and trampled by their adoring fans who'll do nothing but annoy them. If the show flops, then they'll be buried alive under hate mail. Either way, I figure that the `new' Knight Sabers will get a nice dose of bad karma." "I was hoping for something a bit more direct," she muttered. "Well, short of somebody getting a hardsuit and hunting 'em down, I think that's the best we can hope for. Besides, what're the odds of somebody outside of you four ladies doing that? Don't answer that." I warned her. For a second, I'd forgotten what beat I was assigned to. "I can dream, can't I?" she said sulkily. "Bitterness doesn't suit you, kid." I told her, giving her a reassuring pat on the shoulder. She lightened up a bit. "Now, if only I could do that with Reiko-chan," Ryo commented. "Maybe then, she'd pay me on all the mokkori she owes me." "Huh?" I asked, ever-so-coherently. "You know, look *sincere*. You might've noticed that I can't keep a straight face around pretty ladies for long." "No kidding," Nene deadpanned. "That hurt, Nene-chan," Ryo protested. "You didn't have to agree with me *that* quickly." I cleared my throat, interrupting the conversation. "Anyway, I'll see you guys in about an hour. Don't forget to take your walkie-talkies, and let me know what your callsigns are going to be." "What's yours going to be?" Nene asked. "Trenchcoat One." Ryo rolled his eyes. "How *original*." "What's *yours* going to be?" I asked, glaring at him. "Stud Man." he grinned. "How unlike you." I deadpanned. "What do you mean? It suits me *perfectly*." "Yeah, right." I'd made it a point to try to curb his little escapades. As a result, a good portion of Ecchiville didn't like me very much because of the loss of business. On the plus side, I can't remember the last time that Ryo's asked me for money because he spent it all on his entertainment. "Okay, so times have been a little lean for mokkori-chan, but I'm *still* the Stud of Shinjuku. You can't deny *that*, can you?" "I don't wanna verify it, either. Have you picked a callsign, Nene?" I asked, changing the subject. "Hmm..." she pondered, a slow smile forming on her face. "I'll think of something." For once, traffic actually wasn't too bad. Everything seemed clear, and the number of jerks on the road seemed to be down to a minimum. Until, of course, I saw the two Valkyrie fighters parked alongside the road next to a Honda Beat. (Yeah, I'll admit that I got the car name wrong a few months back.) I pulled up and saw two of my favorite Animate policewomen. "Hey, ladies. What's the story here?" Miyuki looked up from writing a ticket. "Oh, we just caught these two going Mach 2 under 500 feet." I thought about that statement for a couple of seconds. "Am I the only one here who finds that just a *little* hard to believe?" "What, did you think that we wouldn't?" Natsumi asked. "Ookay..." I don't wanna know. I *really* don't. I took a closer look at the pilots in question: Isamu Dyson and Guld Bowman. Isamu looked like his ego had been deflated rather sharply, while Guld scowled in resignation. "Dogfighting?" I asked. "Dogfighting." they confirmed, simultaneously. Uh...yeah. "How many buildings did you guys--" "Lots." Ah. That explained the swaths of shattered glass on some of the skyscrapers. "Have you ever considered working it out in a less...destructive way?" I suggested. "Maybe try basketball, tennis, video games, I don't know! Anything that'll keep the collateral damage down. I mean, your Licenses to Run Rampant only extend to the far reaches of Mechatown. You're *way* out of bounds." "It's kinda hard to keep track of boundaries when you're trying not to get shot down." Isamu protested. "Poor excuse." Guld rumbled. "Hey, you started it!" "Did not!" "Did too!" "Did not!" "Did TOO!" "Boys..." Natsumi sang out, holding a fistful of tickets. "You don't want to know *how* many points you've racked up." Both their jaws dropped simultaneously when Natsumi handed them the tickets. The two pilots just sort of gaped until a few flies decided to do suicide runs down their windpipes. I think I'd better head to the hotel. This was going to be, put mildly, a *really* interesting weekend. The Hull House Inn was a nice place near the center of the city. It was about two blocks away from where the city council met, and not too far from the Institute for the Cute and Kawaii Intolerant, or ICKI. It was a place for business types, fanboys, and both the socially adept and inept. It was the only hotel to host The Con. Personally, I think that's a dubious mark of honor. It was a port of call for... Damn. I have *got* to stop watching that show. I don't even *like* Bruce Boxleitner. After I'd parked the car, I passed a loose crowd of people. Most of them had suitcases and the like. Some of them had T-shirts bearing the likeness of their favorite Animate. A few were carrying large wooden signs with anti-Animate slogans on them. Yup, I've gotten myself a *real* plum assignment this time. In the middle of this were several limousines. I wondered who was in them. After all, fans aren't exactly the richest people in the world. One limo, which was so long it was barely street-legal, parked right in front of the hotel. The chauffeur hurried with a small stool to the passenger's side, placing it just beneath the door. The door slammed open, flattening the chauffeur. "Hey, nice job, Grovely!" A voice rougher than sandpaper piped out from within. "Maybe I won't fire you after all!" "You're...too...kind...sir." The chauffeur responded, as clear as could be expected considering he had his face embedded into the door. Out from within the limo rocketed an Animate kid with a chip on his shoulder the size of the Rock of Gibraltar: Montana Max. He was riding a skateboard with some kind of engine attached to it. "Outta my way, LOSER!" he exclaimed, heading straight towards me. I dodged, but the little creep nearly took my head off. Why, I oughta-- "I apologize for his display, Detective," a voice interrupted my creative thoughts. "He's even *more* annoying at times than Moroboshi." I got up and recognized the source of the voice. "Hey, Mendo. So, what're you and the bucktoothed wonder doing here?" Mendo combed his hair with his fingers and sighed exasperatedly. "Sadly, I'm one of the panelists on financially-secure minors." Translation: Spoiled rich kids, and how they spend their money. "I suppose I'll have to check in. Until later, Detective." Mendo waved at a guy in a limo, who then proceeded to drag out oh, about five tons worth of luggage. I guess I should be glad that I'm never gonna be that rich. I'd have to shoot myself if I got that snobby. With an attitude like that, it's no wonder that Mendo doesn't draw very many fans. "Wow, it's the Anime Detective! Can I have your autograph?" I looked at the source: A short, pudgy kid with thick glasses and a bad case of acne. He wore a T-shirt that said "F!" and a "cape" tied around his neck. His con badge read "Fan Boy." "Um...I'm not one of the guests." I said. "I know, but still...what an honor! Hey, did anybody tell you that you look a lot like Dick Tracy? Not the Warren Beatty Dick Tracy, though. I mean, that movie was *lame*! And Madonna's `acting?' I've seen *statues* with more expression--" "Look, that's really very interesting, but I've gotta report in. Sorry about--" I stopped short when Fan Boy dashed across the lobby to an Animate with messy brown hair and thick glasses. "Hey, aren't you Umino from Sailor Moon?" Fan Boy asked. "Aren't you Fan Boy from Freakazoid?" Umino asked. "That's me. So, what'd you think about Sailor Moon Sailor Stars? Did you like it?" "Are you kidding?! I didn't even get a chance to be *in* the show! The producers wanted to introduce new characters, so naturally, me, Naru, and some others got the boot." "Well, gee, I do kinda think the Sailor Stars were kinda lame. I mean, gender-bending works for Ranma just fine. Here, it's excess baggage." "Tell me about it..." Umino replied, his voice trailing off as the two were caught up in their own world of fandom. Did I mention that this was going to be a *very* interesting weekend? Ah, well...I guess I might as well check in. The hotel could pretty much be summed up as having a split personality. On one hand, it was big. Really big. Think of your average Hilton, and then add another half of a Hilton to the side. On the other hand, it was modestly decorated, mostly in earth and neutral tones. If hotels could talk, it'd be saying something like, "Hi, I'm really big, but I'm not snotty or ostentatious." Then again, if it *did* talk, people would be too scared to go inside. Hrm. Thirty seconds into the assignment and the weirdness is already getting to me. That's *got* to be a record. "I think I've got a reservation here." I told the clerk. She looked somewhat amused at what was going on around her. "Last name, sir?" "Mays." Tektektik. "First name, Andrew?" "Yup. Which room?" She handed me a cardkey. "Room 104. I--will there be anyone joining you?" "Not that I know of. Why?" "Well, it says here that you're booked for double occupancy with someone by the name of Nene Romanova." Uh-oh. "There's gotta be some mistake. I specifically asked for a single--damn." I muttered under my breath. That is the *last* time I ask Ryo to take care of stuff like this! "Is there a problem?" the desk clerk asked. "None that won't be taken care of." In a manner that may require a putty knife to scrape Ryo off the floor. I grabbed at my walkie talkie. "Trenchcoat One to Drool Boy. Need to meet you in the front lobby ASAP. Over." "I thought we agreed on Stud Man, not Drool Boy!" Ryo's voice filtered in from my walkie talkie. "Ryo. Lobby. NOW." "You rang?" he asked from behind me. I tried not to flinch, and turned around. "Let's take a walk, shall we?" I suggested. Once we were out of earshot, I got to the point. "All right, what's the big idea of having me and Nene in the same room?" "You're in the same room everyday. Why should this be any different?" he replied blithely. "Ryo..." "I would've gotten the honeymoon suite for you two, but it was beyond the department's budget." Ryo grinned. "Be glad that it's in the same hotel as The Con, and not at a place *I* like." "Were you put on this earth to torment me?" "Nope. I was put on this earth to have as many lovely ladies in this world screaming my name. Well, actually, a few other screams are quite nice, including--" I didn't wait for him to finish his sentence. I just slammed his face into a nearby pillar. Criminately. The guy needs a full-time babysitter. Hmm...there's an idea. I wonder if Kaori's in town? Okay, Mays, calm down. I can handle this. I mean, this isn't the first time I've stayed in the same room with a woman. We're both mature adults, and--well, I can think of worse roommates. 'Course, we did dance a while back, so I hope she won't take this the wrong way. Why the hell am I mulling over this so much? Trudging towards my room, I swiped the keycard through the lock and waited for the green light. That done, I pushed the door open. In the back of my mind, I wondered whether or not Nene had gotten settled yet. The room was your average, nondescript affair. It was decorated in bland, reassuring colors with equally bland paintings. A TV set and accompanying remote was situated to the right, opposite the bed. *One* bed? This is gonna be a problem. I started unpacking and took out an armload of clothes. Opening one of the drawers to a cabinet, I was about to cram my stuff in when I noticed that someone beat me to it. I hesitated a bit, raising an eyebrow at what I saw. Yeesh. If I keep looking at that stuff long enough, I might end up like Ryo. I grew up with a little sister who hung her stuff all over the place, so it's not like I haven't seen this kind of thing before. Alise was always damn annoying that way. "Net.goddess to Trenchcoat One." Nene's voice filtered through the walkie talkie, interrupting my thoughts. Not, mind you, that they were all that deep at the time, but still... Hold on...`Net.goddess?' "Trenchcoat One here. What've you got for me, kid?" "Your support staff's here." "On my way, kid." Unpacking something from my suitcase, I stuffed a little contingency plan in the closet, then headed out. Well, time to check out who I've got for security. Mostly the security staff'll consist of volunteers, but a few cops will be around to take care of the heavier stuff. Of course, there's also the hotel security. "Daahh...ID please?" a guard asked. If this guy was any indicator of the security around here, we're doomed. He was seriously overweight, with a beard stubble that wouldn't go away. His rumpled uniform was a pretty bad imitation of a cop's, and the wrinkled cap barely covered his bald pate. The nametag on his shirt read "Ralph." I flashed him my badge. He squinted, trying to read the fine print. "Ooo...nice picture, Detecuhtive. I'm Ralph. I'm a...a..." he stopped to think, which must've been a Herculean labor for him, "...a guard, dat's it! I'm in charge of security, and I'll be workin' wit ya." Yup, we're doomed. "That's nice, Ralph. Is everybody in there?" I indicated the room. "Da finest fanboy security in da city at yer beck and call. By da way," Ralph dropped his voice to a whisper, "if youse happens to see three little kids wit white faces and no eyebrows, lemme know, okay?" "Will do. Now, why don't you polish off those donuts? They're looking kinda lonely." "Yes SIR!" Ralph gave me a sloppy salute and began his descent into sugar glut. Time for a briefing. "...and that's basically it. I want you to keep an eye out for trouble. If you don't think you can handle it, call for backup. If *that* gets messy, give me a buzz on the walkie-talkie. My callsign's Trenchcoat One. If I can't be reached, you can get Ryo Saeba by his callsign, Drool Boy." "STUD MAN!" Ryo protested. "Drool Boy." I corrected him. The security staff chuckled a bit. They all looked a little green, but then again, I've had worse. "Any questions?" "Do we get to wear anything cool?" one guy asked. I held up a security badge. "Does this count?" "Well, I was thinking more along the lines of a uniform." I sighed. "You want to look like Ralph out there?" The guy winced. "When you put it that way...plain clothes is fine." "Any other questions?" Everybody shook their heads. At least something's going my way. "Okay, good. Just remember, people: These are your fellow fans--" "Fen." someone piped up. "Whatever. Just treat them like you'd want to be and don't overdo it. I don't want people getting the impression that we're a bunch of dictators, understood?" A guy raised his hand. "So, we don't get to confiscate random goodies?" "No, we don't. Not without good reason." "Even if we think there might be something funny inside a UFO catcher doll?" "If and when that happens, call me, and keep it discreet. We want to try to minimize gawkers, all right? Anything else?" Nobody said anything. Well, at least they didn't have that blank look on their faces. *That* was reassuring. "Okay, that's it. Everyone who's working detail in the dealer's room, keep an eye out for pickpockets, shoplifters, and gropers. Everyone else, just keep your eyes open and stand your ground. Don't be afraid to get in the middle of a confrontation, but don't *start* one. Are we clear?" "Crystal clear, *sir*." one joker said in a Jack Nicholson imitation. I resisted the urge to bury my face in my palm. "Dismissed." I told them all. The group milled out, and I could hear their murmuring. They didn't sound too sure that they could handle it. I knew the feeling. One guy stayed behind, looking like he had a question. "What's on your mind?" I asked him. He was pudgy, plain-looking guy that could easily blend in at The Con. "So, um...I was just wondering..." "Yeah?" I prompted him. "Well, I was just--well, it's Nene, Detective. I recently read something that, um...well...that had her and some of the other Knight Sabers...you know." I didn't even bat an eye. "Oh. You're asking whether or not Nene and the other girls have ever stripped down, tangled themselves into anatomically improbable positions and worked themselves into a foaming frenzy?" "Yeah. Have they?" the guy asked, a small trail of drool forming on the corner of his mouth. "No. Get a life." "Why?" he asked blithely. "I kinda like mine as it is." "*GIT*." I told him, a dangerous edge in my voice. It was the edge that said, "do *not* even *think* about arguing with me." I learned it from my dad, and it almost never fails. "Okay, okay...sheesh, somebody's gotta lay off on the coffee..." he muttered as he retreated. Things didn't get too much better when I walked outside. The protesters were still around. In fact, the crowd seems to have gotten a bit bigger. I stand corrected. *Some* of the crowd has gotten bigger, not to mention turned blue in the process. Great. Boomers. Ever since the BGC 2040 series got started, the old Boomers were kinda ticked off that they weren't hired. 'Course, Nene and her friends went through the same thing a while back, but then again...these critters are super-strong and have particle beam weapons. One face in particular stood out from the crowd. He wasn't in the shape he was in during Bubblegum Crash. Lucky me. "Shouldn't you be collecting residuals from fanfic writers?" I asked. "I am above such petty matters as employment." Largo sneered. "I'm merely helping my fellow Boomers protest this latest injustice that has been heaped upon our shoulders." "They didn't want you back as Mason *or* Largo, did they?" I quipped. The cyberdroid shot me a freezing glare, scowling. I knew then that I'd hit a nerve. The only question was whether or not I'd survive making that remark. "Their loss. And as for you..." Okay, now that Sudden Impending Sense of Doom has just reared its ugly head. Of course, it always happens at the *last* minute. "I shall wipe you and this convention from the Earth!" Largo declared, raising his hand. "Make peace with whatever God you believe in, Detective." CLANG! An anvil fell from above, punching Largo through the sidewalk and into the sewers below. Actually, only *most* of Largo went through the hole. His right arm got separated from the rest of him, and was now twitching wildly. Moments later, the arm joined its owner, including the anvil. I looked up and saw two Generic Characters (tm) leaning out of the 6th floor of the hotel. One of them looked annoyed with the other. "Watch where you're throwing those things!" one of them said. "It's no big deal. There wasn't anybody down there anyway." the other replied. You know, I should really be used to this. I really should. So...why aren't I? And people wonder why I drink so much Mylanta. Turning around, I noticed the news crew setting up. The reporter was an old girlfriend of mine. I think I've mentioned that we're still pretty good friends, even if we never got very far as a couple. I decided to hang around, seeing as we hadn't seen each other in a while. "This is Tricia McMasters, reporting live from The Con. As everyone in the city probably knows, this is one of the largest public events involving both Animates and humans. This looks to be the biggest Con yet, as the last room was reserved two months ago. For three days, Animates and humans will share two common goals: Entertainment and merchandising. The Con consistently generates a great deal of revenue for the city, and has become something of an institution. "Unfortunately, The Con also brings with it a negative side. Several anti-Animate groups have habitually protested the `special treatment' accorded the Animates involved. One of the more high-profile groups, Natural Order, has sworn to `restore the `natural order' of things by eliminating opportunities for the unnatural.' Back to you--oh, wait! Detective Mays!" I flinched a bit, then put on my best media poker face. I didn't like the limelight, but knowing Tricia the way I do, she would've only stopped if a car hit her. Okay, next time, admire from afar. "What can I do for you?" Yeah, real formal-sounding, Mays. "Detective, I understand that you're in charge of security for The Con." "I've been assigned to it, yeah." "Do you foresee any potential problems?" Careful Mays. Tricia wouldn't skewer me like some of the other reporters I've met, but she wouldn't softball any questions for my benefit either. It's a good thing we parted on okay terms. I'd hate to think what would've happened if it was messy. "Well, generally the fans don't cause that much trouble; at least, not to the point where I get involved. It's the extremists and true nutcases that get my attention. I think we know who I'm talking about." "Point taken, Detective. Is there anything else you wish to say?" I thought about it. "Keep in mind that The Con is a place where people are supposed to get together and have fun. If anybody tries to start any trouble, then I'll have to take the appropriate measures. Other than that, just enjoy the show." "Thank you, Detective." "And that's three, two, one! We're off the air, Tricia!" her cameraman reported. "Good. Pack everything into the van, will you? I'll be there in a minute." "Gotcha." She turned around, and I noticed for the first time that she looked a little tired. I pointed that out to her. "Things have been getting a little rough at the station, lately. Basically, it's a fight between journalistic morals and ratings. Morals are ahead. Barely." "I didn't know it was that rough," I commented. "Sometimes I wish I had your job. At least then, I'd get to whack a couple of people if they get out of line." she joked, then turned serious. "It's been a while, hasn't it?" "Yeah, it has. I wish I could stick around to reminisce, but I've got to keep The Con from going anymore crazy." "Take care of yourself, okay? I heard that there might be some trouble brewing over here." "Isn't there always?" I deadpanned. "I'm serious. I've heard rumors that someone can shut down The Con permanently." She brushed a bit of auburn hair out of her eyes. "If that happens.." "...then the city's out one tourist attraction, including all the money it brings in." I finished for her. "I knew the risks when I took the job, Tricia." She studied me intently for a few seconds, then nodded. "I know. Still, maybe we could go out for a drink sometime." "Not a bad idea. I just wish I had the time." A bunch of jeers and booing interrupted the conversation. Whirling around, I found a bunch of people throwing the contents of a vegetable stand at an Animate woman (whom I recognized as Nene's friend Linna) and her companion, a "real" guy. They tried to fend off the tomatoes being tossed their way, and failed miserably. Oh yeah, this is really promising. "Duty calls?" Tricia asked. "Yup," I sighed. "I'll catch you later, okay?" "Preferably on the five o'clock news." she replied, managing a tired smile. She waved, then headed for her van. No rest for the weary, the underpaid, or the overworked. "Traitor!" one jerk yelled. "Whassamatter, can't you get someone of your *own* kind?" another one shouted. "Hey, buddy! Hope she doesn't fade on you if you leave her in the sun!" Things were beginning to get ugly, as a couple of the protesters were crossing the ropes. They advanced towards the couple, overripe vegetables in hand. That was about when I decided that enough was enough. After calling for some backup (rule # 1 in potential mob situations--never try to stop it by yourself), I whipped out a megaphone and started to weave my way through the crowd. There was a lot of shouting before I finally got there. "Cover your ears." I muttered to the couple, then set the megaphone on HIGH. There was another setting beyond that, and some joker had labeled that one FAHRVERGNEUGEN for some odd reason. "AHEM!" The squeal of feedback forced a lot of the crowd back. "This isn't exactly my definition of a `peaceful protest,' you realize." "Elitist pig!" some guy shouted out from the crowd. He was really brave, not bothering to say that to my face. "How can you defend those--those mockeries of people!" Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Linna looked a little shaken by that last bit. Her boyfriend put an arm around her and gently squeezed her shoulder. "It's my job. And for the record, it takes a *really* tough, *macho* man to hide behind a crowd and shout anything he says, without going face to face. Yeah, I tell ya, that's a mark of bravery." A guy pushed his way through the crowd, and from the looks of him, he was a troublemaker. He was a little shorter than me, with dark, knitted eyebrows. A scowl was permanently etched on his face. He had a face that not even his mother could love. "Happy now?" I turned off the megaphone. "It's an improvement. If you have a problem, you tell me straight out. It's simple, and it eliminates a lot of fuss." "We've got a right to protest, don't we? To speak our minds, even though it's unpopular?" "Yup. That's part of the law I protect." "So...what's the fuss...Detective?" he said in a snotty tone. "Well, it was nice and legal up to the point when you and a few of your pals decided to use these two as target practice. That's disorderly conduct. You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..." "Hey, what the hell?!" he exclaimed as I put the cuffs on him. "You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. D'you understand these rights as I've read 'em to you?" "You tricked me!" "Nope. You didn't *have* to come here, and you didn't *have* to start causing trouble." I turned the megaphone back on. "All right, folks! The way I see it, you have three options. Option 1: Go home and do something else, like maybe writing to a government official. Option 2: You can continue to voice your opinions, but without harassing any of the attendees. When I say harassing, I mean of the verbal or physical kind. Say what you want to say, but don't hurt people in the process. Then, there's option 3: Continue the protest, harassment and all, and I'll be forced to take action, as in three days cooling down in the pen. Think about it. Do any of you *really* wanna be the talk of the office, just because you couldn't behave at a public gathering? I know that a lot of you people are ordinary workers. Well, what'd your boss think if he saw that you couldn't control yourself?" I paused for a moment to let it sink in. The crowd started to murmur among themselves. "If I were you, I'd *seriously* consider options 1 or 2. I'm giving you a choice. The next move is yours." The grumbling quieted down, and a few of the people left. The rest continued their protest in a more sedate manner. I grabbed a towel from Who Knows Where and handed it to Linna, who took it. "Thanks, Detective." "No problem." "Geez," the guy started, "For a second there, I thought that mob was going to kill us." "They do get a little rough," I agreed. "Don't let 'em faze you *too* much." "I wish I had my hardsuit right about now," Linna muttered as I lead her and her boyfriend into the hotel. "That'd be quite a sight," I agreed. "Sorry guy, didn't catch your name." "It's Jeff." "Well, Jeff...Linna's a nice girl. Treat her right, or else..." I arched an eyebrow to let him know I was just kidding. The guy's got a lot of guts to date Linna with all the crazies around. "You're gonna send some guy to `lean' on me?" he joked. "No...but I *do* know some excessively cute girls with screechy voices." Jeff winced. "I'll behave." "Good. I thought you might. In the meantime, I'd better get back inside before something else happens. Have fun, you two." Have I mentioned that I wasn't looking forward to the rest of the weekend? Mind you, this is about two hours before opening ceremonies, and it's *already* nuts. I'd been getting snippets of conversations from my walkie-talkie, and I knew that things could've been a lot worse, weirdness-wise. Still, you don't last long as a cop if you don't trust that unexplained sixth sense. I knew...I just *knew* that something was going to really muck things up. When that Impending Sense of Doom hits, I roll with it. I just wished that it'd hit sooner instead of at the last minute. As if to lift my spirits, Nene waved to me in the lobby. I ambled alongside her and noticed quite a few fanboys following her. They all looked nervous, as if they couldn't believe that they were that close to Nene. Time to take the bull by the horns. "Criminately," I griped to the fans. "If you want to say something to Nene, go ahead. It's not like she's going to bite you or anything." As it turned out, that little move was a mistake. As soon as I finished, the fans surrounded Nene and started bowing and scraping. The kid seemed equal parts embarrassed and surprised. "We're not worthy, o kawaii goddess of the computer!" one fan proclaimed. "Um..." Nene glanced nervously at me, obviously at a loss. "Just Nene's fine." "We, your worshippers, would do anything for you. We'd even consider going after that contract for you." "Contract?" I asked. "Surely you know of the blonde blasphemer who dares to sully the cute one's name. You met her recently." another guy said. "Oh, *her*." Nene said, catching on. A mischievious smile worked its way onto her face. "What's the contract for?" she asked conspiratorily. "Termination or humiliation of the blonde bimbo. Rumor has it that humiliation is worth a *lot* more." The guy grinned, looking even sillier in his tinfoil hardsuit. "I know a guy who could get some compromising pictures of her." one fan suggested. "A doujinshi's always good for a laugh." another guy added. "Why don't we just have someone find her, strip her down to her underwear, and hang her by her toes on a flagpole?" "Hmmm..." she pondered her options. I didn't like where this conversation was headed. I glanced at my watch. "Oh, geez, guys...sorry, but we have to make the rounds. Nice meeting you, hope to see you again..." I said hurriedly, escorting Nene out of earshot. "Hey--what's the rush?" she protested. "Well, kid, here we are at the biggest convention in the city, surrounded by fanboys and girls of all kinds. The guys down at security are the fine line between the normal weirdness and all hell breaking loose. Call me pessimistic, but I've got the feeling that I'm sitting on a powder keg." "Oh, you're being too negative, Andy. I think it's kind of fun." "`Fun?'" I eyed her dubiously. "Well, yeah. I mean, where else can you dress up like your favorite Animate and not get looked at funny?" "I can think of a few places, most of 'em involving padded walls." Nene pouted. "It's not *that* bad, is it?" "Easy for you to say. You just had a visit from one of your fan clubs." She blushed. "Oh." We walked around the perimeter of the hotel, making sure that there weren't any nuts trying to sneak in weapons or anything. We'd just rounded a corner when Nene stopped short. "Something the matter--oh." I said, noting the little Animate kitten which was contentedly rubbing itself on Nene's legs, purring with delight. "Awww..." she said, kneeling down. "Hey there, kitty." The little bugger meowed, then proceeded to jump into her lap. Nene's eyes widened in that oh-so-kawaii manner that normally would have me on my knees. For some reason, though, I wasn't feeling any worse off. I wonder why? "I wonder where you came from, kitty?" Nene murmured, almost to herself. Of course, this was while she was gently stroking the little furball. "Isn't she just adorable, Andy?" "`She?' How can you tell?" "I can tell." she reassured me. On her lap, the little kitten looked my way and abandoned its perch, heading towards me. Instinctively, I picked her up. In response, she just snuggled up towards me, closing her eyes. "She likes you." Nene commented, a contented smile on her face. "Yeah, I guess she does." Criminately, this kitten's small. "Can we keep her?" Nene asked hopefully. Thankfully, she didn't go into the "canwecanwepleasepleasepleaseI'lleatallmyveggiesfromheretoeternity" stage. That would've been overdoing it just a *tad*. But, I could understand where she was coming from. "Looks like one of those kittens from You're Under Arrest. Y'know, from Chibi's bunch." I noted. "Oh, yeah...so, what do we do now?" "Well..." I began, absentmindedly scratching the kitten behind the ears. "I'll have to hold off until Leon's shift comes up at 9. Until then, we're just going to have to keep her around and--" "She's purring." Nene observed. "You know, they say that animals are good judges of character." "I seem to attract all things cute and cuddly." "Bwee! Bwee!" A little black piglet squealed. No bandanna, so it probably wasn't Ryouga. "I can see that." Nene commented with that faint smirk. Uh...yeah. "I think I can handle this. Why don't you take the kitten into our room...better yet, why don't you wrap the little bugger in your jacket, just to make her less conspicuous. Ask for the key to room 104 at the front desk, and order some tuna sandwiches and milk. Make sure they don't add mayo to the sandwiches." "*Our* room?" "Ryo booked us for double occupancy." I told her. She sighed in a cutely exasperated way. "Yeah, I know, I know. Can't live with 'im, can't sell him for spare parts." "I don't think anybody wants his parts." "There's a joke in there, but I'm *not* gonna touch it." "Oh." She flushed as the ramifications hit her. "I think I'd better get going." A thought occurred to me. "Don't head off to our room just yet. I've gotta make some arrangements with the hotel staff so that they don't raise a fuss with the little one. I'll meet you outside the dealer's room." "Okay," she chirped, then wrapped the kitten inside her jacket. "Anything else?" "Well, um..." Here I faltered for a bit. "I was putting my stuff away in a drawer and I didn't realize that you were already settled in so..." Ah, just say it, Mays! "Um...teddy bears?" I don't think I've seen her eyes go wider in the time I've known her. Immediately thereafter, a red flush spread across her cheeks. "You *peeked*?!" she hissed. "Well, it wasn't exactly intentional." Nene hung her head in embarrassment. "I can't believe you saw that," she moaned. "And the big deal about this is...?" "Well, it's--it's--it's *personal*!" she sputtered. "I mean, a girl's underwear says a lot about her!" I knew better than to respond to *that* remark. "Don't worry about it. Look...I think we know each other well enough by now, right? Besides, my sister used to lay that stuff all around the bathroom when I was growing up, so that's no big deal." "You have a sister?" she asked, genuinely surprised. "Older or younger?" "Younger by about, oh...well, she's just getting into college right about now. I'm surprised you didn't know that," I commented. "I thought you'd checked out my file before you got yourself reassigned." "I browsed through it," she admitted. "You know, age, height, marital status..." "Uh *huh*. And you were curious about my marital status *because*...?" "BWEE!" "All right, already. Just hold on for a moment, okay?" Figures. Just when I'm having a good conversation, the pig just *has* to squeal. "Bwee." Taking out my walkie-talkie, I keyed in Stan's channel. "This is Trenchcoat One to Spandex Man. How's it going?" "Oh, FINE...if you have to contend with every sentai in town suddenly jumping around like they had fire ants in their tights." he replied sourly. "What d'you think happened?" "I'm guessing that someone at the local dry cleaners has a very malicious sense of humor. I've found traces of itching powder in everyone's tights, most of it concentrated in places baseball players enjoy scratching." "Ugh. Well, could you have a couple of people grab some hot water? Call it a hunch, but I think we may have a run on black piglet Jusenkyo water." "You got it--HEY! Do you *mind*?! You can't be an idol to kids everywhere if you keep scratching yourself there!" Funny, baseball fans never seem to have a problem with this. But then again, I was never really into baseball. "BWEE!" "Showers are in each room, and you can probably get some hot water at the coffee shop in the hotel or at the con suite." "Bwee." "You're welcome." I was about to head off when saw an Ominous Shadow (tm) around the corner. Whoever it was ran off by the time I got there. Hm. Weird. One problem solved, about fifty billion more to go. The latest hot spot was in the dealer's room. I just heard bits and pieces on the walkie-talkie, but it sounded like there was some groping going on...maybe some pickpocketing, too. Silly me. I thought I could actually relax at The Con. Ah well...live and learn, I guess--why are the sprinklers going off? "Ack!" Nene exclaimed, then frowned. "Here..." I doffed my fedora, perching it on her head. "Wonder what's going on? Some idiot try to light up or something?" "YA! WHOA! AGH!" A guy with dirty-blond hair and glasses dashed right by us, followed by a couple of (I'm *not* making this up) flaming wombats. Flaming wombats? Gee...three guesses as to who the guy is. "I know I've got a fire extinguisher in here somewhere..." I muttered, pulling stuff out of my trenchcoat. Lessee...mallet, Glock 17 with 10 clips of ammo, minigun, a fried chicken recipe, crystal ball, Death to Macek bumper sticker, a pile of orange-red clothes... The next thing I knew, I heard a high-pitched shriek. The crowd in front of us parted to one particularly bouncy female Animate. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could Nene's eyes bug out, her hair slightly askew under my hat. Boingyboingyboingyboingy. "GIMME THAT!" I felt my cheeks flush red. "Eheh. Sorry 'bout that, Mai." Ryo popped out of nowhere, enjoying Mai's current situation. Without looking back, the ninja clocked him one, and he fell like an oak. Okay, he fell like an oak with a cheesy grin on his face. Carefully, I approached him, and he popped up. "Can you teach me how to do that trick?" he asked, swinging his head in time to Mai's hips. KER-POW! THUD. "No." Now, I had the feeling that I was forgetting something. ZOOM! "Help would be nice right about now!" Oh, yeah. Now, where was that fire--AHA! "Get behind me, John." I told him. Smart guy that he was, he did. Reaching into my trenchcoat, I found the fire extinguisher. The wombats came in close, snapping at anyone that came near them. They approached me warily, hoping to get to the guy behind me. FWOOOSH! I emptied the fire extinguisher at the pack, and after about 45 seconds, they looked a lot less intimidating. In fact, they looked downright scrawny now that their fire'd been put out. "The next time you see me, it'll be from under a one-ton mallet. GET OUT." The wombats beat a hasty retreat, clearing a path through the soggy attendees. I could've sworn that I heard 'em go "yi yi yi" like those old cartoons. "Will somebody PLEASE turn off the sprinklers?!" I pleaded. Five seconds later, the downpour ceased, and I turned around to get a good look at the guy I saved. "What *is* it with you and those flaming wombats, John? You're not exactly in Kansas anymore, you know. By the way, where're your partners in crime?" "Oh, they're around," he said, a hint of Midwestern accent evident. "Thanks again, Detec--YEOW!" he screamed as he was grabbed and dragged away by a bunch of the Ranma crowd. "Fanfic authors," I sighed. "Go figure." "Mew?" The kitten popped her head from Nene's bundled-up jacket, amazingly dry. Nene, on the other hand, was soaked. My fedora'd seen better days, and because of the warm weather, she only had on her shirt, tie, and skirt ensemble. This, of course, spelled trouble. BOING! "Hey, I like your new look, Nene-chan," Ryo leered, right on time. "I can also see that you have excellent taste in bras and--" WHAM! Hey, don't look at me. I didn't hit him that time. Nope, that honor goes to the expert in the field, the woman with the 250-ton mallet. Somehow, I knew she'd be here; the program listed her as part of the Hammerspace (what I call Who Knows Where) workshop, along with Akane Tendo. "RYO, YOU BASTARD!" she shrieked. "Ow..." was all that he could manage to say, before collapsing stiffly to the ground. "I knew I'd find you here." Kaori declared. "As soon as I heard that The Con was having an all-night hentai room, I *knew* you'd be around!" "hiKaorinicetoseeyouwhy'severythingspinning?" Ryo babbled. Kaori looked at him in total disgust. "I don't *believe* you. Can't you, for *once* go somewhere without your thoughts going into the gutter?" "Gahh..." Thud. "I'm not finished with you yet--Ryo?" Kaori stopped short when she noticed that my partner wasn't responding. She started to get a little concerned, waving her hand in front of his face. "Ryo? Ryo, come on, this isn't funny. I know you're faking this!" I'm not sure exactly where she got it, but Kaori pulled out one of Ryo's favorite magazines and flipped to what he termed the "good stuff." He didn't respond. Nene sure did, though. For the second time in less than ten minutes, her eyes bugged out in disbelief. To be honest, I really wasn't much better. Then, she started shaking him. "Wake UP wake UP wake UP!" she chanted. Nada. A look of utter disbelief crossed her face. "I think I...no, I couldn't have. I've hit him harder than this. He should be up right now. He...he...WAAAAHHHH!" she started crying, burying her face into his chest. For a brief moment, I really thought that Ryo'd seen his last H movie. Then I noticed that his arm was wrapping itself around Kaori, patting her on the back. She looked up, tears streaming down her face. Ryo opened his eyes and grinned. Then he planted a peck on her forehead. "I didn't think you cared." I don't think that it's too much of an exaggeration to say that Mount St. Helens was dwarfed by Kaori's own eruption. "DDD III III EEE EEE !!! !!! D D I I E E !!! !!! D D I I EEE EEE !!! !!! D D I I E E DDD III III EEE EEE !!! !!!" she exclaimed, brandishing the Deadly Mallet (tm), this one set at 6 X 10^23 tons. The usual chase ensued. Yup, it was business as usual at The Con. "I think I'd better take this little one to our room," Nene told me, picking at the sleeves of her shirt. She was frowning, probably because walking around in wet clothes is *not* the most comfortable experience. "That, and I'd better get changed. Thanks for the hat." She handed my fedora back to me. "No prob. If you need me, you know how to reach me." She smiled, nodded, and headed off to the room. The opening ceremony was pretty uneventful. Basically, it was your usual "have fun and spend a lot of money" spiel, followed by some clips of various animated shows pieced together. I didn't keep track of who the guests of honor were; they had their own little security entourage. I was keeping an ear out for the chatter on the walkie-talkies, and there wasn't anything *too* unusual. I guess that I shouldn't have been surprised when the Chief called me up. It's a variation on Murphy's Law...when things are going well, something *will* happen. "Trenchcoat One, this is Grand Poobah." Grand Poobah? That's the last time we pick out our callsigns. "Trenchcoat One here. What've you got for me?" "Maybe nothing, maybe something, Andrew. I've been hearing rumors about a bunch of fanboys smuggling stuff into cons. Chances are, they'll be more than likely to hit The Con. They've been getting stuff from all over the place, like one-shot Jusenkyo water, 33-S Boomers, Gundams, Zakus, spaceships of all kinds...and that's just what we know of." "Hold on, Chief...how the Hell do you smuggle in a Zaku, much less an entire spaceship?" "Would you believe in plain sight?" I took a look around, making note of the gaudy decorations. Sure enough, there were more than a few life-size "exhibits" that otherwise would be obvious. I made a note to check them out later. "Actually, Chief...yeah, I *do* believe it." I told him. "There's one more thing...and you might want to sit down for this bit of news." I did so, even though I couldn't see him. "What's the bad news, Chief?" "Since this whole thing falls under a bunch of other peoples' jurisdictions, I had to call in a couple of other officers. You'll still be in charge, but they'll want a piece of the action." "Who?" "Representatives from the Galaxy Police, Interpol, the Chicago PD, and..." Pleasepleaseplease don't let the WWWA be one of 'em...*please*? "...the Worlds Welfare Work Association." the Chief finished. "GAH! So, lemme get this straight. I've gotta work with Kiyone, Mihoshi, Inspector Zenigata, Inspector Percy, Kei, and Yuri? You'd get better results by nuking the city from orbit." "Well, what do you want me to say?" Even on the walkie-talkie I could see the Chief shrugging. "`I'm sorry, but due to the fact that most of your operatives are either obsessed, incompetent, overly destructive, or a combination of the three, I can't let you in on this investigation, even though we need the help.'" Criminately. I must be getting old. I'm beginning to see his viewpoint. "Awright," I told him. "When do I meet 'em?" "An hour from now. Good luck." "Thanks." I said sourly. I wasn't looking forward to my meeting with the other cops. Kei and Yuri alone were enough to cause a panic. Inspectors Percy and Zenigata would have people believing that Bean Bandit and Lupin were the root of all evil. And then, there's Mihoshi, who's incredibly bubbly...and lucky. Well, Kiyone's not that bad, being the most normal of the bunch. Of course, this is the city. Normal is overrated. After everyone arrived, I directed them to the security room set up by the hotel staff. It wasn't much more than a glorified meeting room, but it'd do. "Detective," Kiyone greeted me, expecting all hell to break loose. "Oh, WOW! Are we going to be working together, Andy? Isn't this just SO much FUN?" Mihoshi gushed. Oog. Too much enthusiasm. "Yeah, great." I grunted. "Could you do me two favors, Mihoshi?" "What are they?" "Number one, DON'T call me `Andy.' Number two...could you stand back a couple of--yeah, that's good." Air. Good. Must breathe. Breathing good. Kiyone shook her head. "The stories I could tell you, Detective..." "Yeah, well, I could tell you a few of my own. Y'see, I've got Ryo Saeba as my partner." Kiyone almost winced. "Sorry to hear that." "Y'think *you've* got problems? At least Mihoshi doesn't chase after the first person of the opposite gender." "True," she agreed. "She's too busy going out for karaoke, sleeping, eating junk food..." "I think I get the point." I said dryly. "Hey, Detective!" Kei exclaimed. "Are we supposed to be briefed on something or what?" "I'm on it, Kei." I told her. "Just hang on for a couple of minutes, all right?" I started setting the room up for the briefing when I noticed Kiyone's rather sour look concerning the Lovely Angels. I shouldn't have been surprised. There'd been some tension between the two agencies ever since Kei and Yuri accidentally blew up a planet in GP territory. "So, I see that the WWWA sent a couple of their best bimbos on the case." Kiyone sniped. "Going to just destroy the hotel, or are you planning to demolish the entire city?" Oorg. Kei's not gonna back down from that one. Better hurry up with that overhead projector, before the whole room goes nuts. I took another look at the people inside. Ahem. Too late. "It's NOT our FAULT!" Kei exclaimed. "Of course not. Things just *happen* to explode when you're around. It's like one big conspiracy." "This from a woman who's a glorified postal worker." Kei retorted. "The way I hear it, you've been passed over for promotion...how many times?" "It's not *my* fault that Mihoshi's my partner!" "Oh, of *course* not!" "Kei, calm down..." Yuri tried to keep the whole situation from degenerating. It wasn't working. "WAAAAHHHH!" Mihoshi started the waterworks, tears streaming like Niagara Falls. "Now, look what you did!" Kiyone shouted, then buried her face in her hand. I knew that gesture well. I'd done it many times myself when Ryo's hormones had gone overboard. "What *I* did?! *You're* the one with the bubbleheaded partner who can't shoot straight if her life depended on it!" "Why you--" "C'mon, tell me I'm wrong!" "Kei, this isn't the time--" "Yuri, you've said the same things yourself!" Yuri sweatdropped and laughed nervously. "I...must've been drunk at the time..." Everyone winced at the feedback whine that pierced the air. They glared at me when they saw me holding the room microphone and my megaphone close together. I just grinned. "Ahem. Nice to know that this thing's on. Anyway, ladies, gentlemen, and Ryo..." "Real funny." he sulked. I ignored him and went on. I filled them in on what I'd heard, pausing to answer questions and thwomp down Ryo every time he tried grabbing for one of the ladies. After the briefing, I assigned each of 'em to cover two floors, with rotating shifts. Amazingly, the stupid questions were kept down to a minimum. After the briefing, Zenigata pulled me to one side. "I have a feeling that Lupin is involved in this," he told me. "What makes you say that?" "He *always* is." "Uh huh. Listen, Koichi...y'ever consider...Prozac?" "I AM NOT INSANE!" "Of course not, of course not," I reassured him. "You just occasionally need to let up on the whole Lupin thing, you know? People might start to think that you're obsessed or something." "What, just because the idea of my capturing him at last is the only thing that fills my nights? Because the thought of wiping that smirk off his face when I handcuff him is what keeps me going?" "You're right. How silly of me to think that you're obsessed." I deadpanned. Zenigata shrugged. "It's hard for some people to distinguish dedication from obsession." Ahem. Don't say it, Mays. Just don't say it. "We seem to share the same motif." he observed. "I haven't noticed. Y'know what one of the differences between you and me is?" "What?" "I look better in mine," I said, straightening the lapels on my trenchcoat. Zenigata blinked. "Didn't I hear that in a movie?" "Do I *look* like Will Smith?" "...no..." "Then you didn't." "Excuse me, are we late for the meeting?" a girlish voice interrupted. Everyone turned their heads toward the source. "Hi!" A tanned, spindly-legged, plushly-proportioned young girl with mostly red (and a shock of blonde) hair greeted the group. She was followed by an equally thin, yet unbelieveably built girl with pale skin and flowing purple hair. "Who're you?" Mihoshi asked, bending down. "We're the Lovely Angels! I'm Kei, and this is Yuri. We're from Dirty Pair Flash. Maybe you've seen it?" the blonde asked. The more mature Lovely Angels didn't looked pleased as they cracked their knuckles in preparation for something. "We have..." grown-up Yuri replied. "And?" little Yuri asked. In less time than it took to tell, both little girls were booted out on the front of the hotel steps. Their grown up counterparts dusted off their hands. "Magical nude transformations my ass!" Kei muttered. "Kei!" Yuri hissed. Ryo popped out of nowhere, admiring the duo. "And a very nice one it is, too. So tell me, is that tan *all* over?" WHACKWHACKWHACKZARK! "Oorg." THUD! "All right, Kei, enough fun. You and Yuri have to cover floors five and six. Mihoshi and Kiyone, you've got three and four. I'll take the first floor and outside while Ryo--when he wakes up--will take the second floor. Those are the ones with the convention attendees. The other floors will be taken care of by hotel security. Any questions?" "What about me and Inspector Percy? Are we stuck together?" Zenigata asked. "I wasn't thinking about it until you mentioned it. You guys'll take the parking lot and underground garage. Be sure to stay out of Ota's way." I was making another round of the hotel when a little black piglet decided to attach itself to me. Its eyes looked too intelligent to be an ordinary animal, so I decided that it was someone who'd gotten splashed with the appropriate one-shot Jusenkyo water. At least, I hoped it was one-shot water. In one of its hooves was something elastic, with two green-blue beads. "BWEE! BWEE! BWEE!" It squealed. "What's that, piggy? Little Timmy's playing at the cliff and is hanging on by only a few blades of grass?" I joked. The pig facefaulted. It recovered, making what I guessed were almost...sobbing noises? "Okay, okay...don't get your hooves in an uproar." "Bwee?" "Look, this isn't permanent. I'll see if I can't find some hot water at the con suite. No, scratch that. I'll take you up to my room. At least there you'll have some towels." The trip to my room was pretty uneventful. Well, it was uneventful except for the people staring at the pig curling up into one of my arms. Funny...this thing was awfully affectionate. Hell, I didn't even know what gender this kid was. Flipping on the light switch, I placed the pig in the tub. "All right, remember that the towels are right here, okay?" "Bwee." "Uh, yeah. Here goes..." I turned on the shower, setting the water temp to hot. I guess it must've been some kinda morbid curiosity, but I stuck around. Before my eyes, the pig changed into someone very...feminine. I saw a hint of long brown hair before I turned away. "I'm me again!" she proclaimed. Funny, that voice sounded *awfully* familiar. "So, how do you--Makoto?!" I exclaimed, recognizing the young woman in my shower. Yup, it was Makoto Kino, big as life, naked, and happy to be human again. "I thought I'd be stuck as a pig forever! Thank you!" she said, hugging me. I'll skip the sound effects. You can use your own imagination. "Uh...yeah. No problem. Towel?" "Towel?" she repeated, then took her first good look at herself. I think I've only seen Nene blush that fast. Yelping, she grabbed the towel from my hand and hurriedly wrapped it around her. It barely covered her, much like a very daring dress. I turned off the shower. "So...lemme guess...first time being a pig?" Makoto shuddered. "I don't *ever* want to do that again." "Mind if I ask how it happened?" "Well, I was checking out some of the UFO catcher dolls when this weird guy asks me to look at something. He showed me a couple of bottles, saying that the stuff in 'em can turn a person into anything...so he dumped this water on me, and the next thing you know..." "You turned into a squealer." I finished. "I've gotta make sure of something, first. Towel, please." "What?!" she asked, incredulous. "What are you, some kind of pervert?" "That's my partner. Right now, he'd probably kill to be in my situation. But anyway, I'm gonna turn on the cold water to see if you change back. I don't think you want to be wrapped in a cold, wet towel, do you?" Makoto sighed, then drew the shower curtain between us. Handing me the towel, she turned on the cold water. "WAH! FREEZING!" Nope, she wasn't changing. "C-c-c-can I t-t-t-turn it off n-n-n-now?!" "Yup." Rewrapping herself, she took out another towel and started rubbing it through her hair. Damn, why the hell are my cheeks so warm? "Uh...you realize that you can't exactly roam around the halls in that getup." "No kidding." she deadpanned. "You know, if you didn't remind me so much of my old boyfriend, I'd have to slug you. Rei's got a key to our room. You're blushing, by the way." "It happens. So are you." "Well, um, I'm sorta standing here, practically naked, and, um...Rei should be in the dealer's room, I think. Could you, uh, hurry up?" she said, getting progressively more flustered. I guess the reality of the situation, such as it was, was beginning to get to her. "Sure thing. Oh, and if a cute redhead comes in, don't worry. She's with me." "Girlfriend?" she asked, her interest piqued. "Administrative assistant." "Ah..." she nodded. "Sharing only one bed." "Don't push it." "Y'know, that really wasn't much of a denial." she observed. I cleared my throat meaningfully as I left. The dealer's room was, as usual, packed. If it's around, chances were that someone could find it here. Everything under the sun was here, from CD soundtracks to videos to art books...and, of course, there were the doujinshi. It was around there where I found Rei...looking through a Sailor Moon adults-only doujinshi?! "Look at this!" she griped to the vendor. "They drew Usagi's breasts HUGE! And it looks like I'm wearing a couple of maraschino cherries!" "That doesn't really look much like you. I kinda think they're being a little generous with Makoto, hm?" I commented, looking over her shoulder. Rei whirled around. "Who asked--uhh..." She flushed red, noting who I was. "Detective, hi, uh--I, er, uh..." Yup, she was falling apart *real* fast. "Aren't you a little young to be reading this stuff, Rei? It does say, `18 and over' on the box, doesn't it? Last I heard, you were only 16." "Oh, *this*? It's, um, it's smut, I agree. I was just, uh, just going to...to burn it, that's what I was going to do." she babbled. "Not until you buy it, sister." the vendor warned. "By the way, you want your usual discount?" A huge sweatdrop formed on the side of her head. "Could we talk about this later?" she squeaked to the vendor. "I'll be here. Oh, and Rei...if you're not going to buy the book, would you mind putting it back?" "You're not going to *tell* anybody about this, are you?" she pleaded, looking *very* red-faced. "Nah, I think I'll keep this little incident quiet. What you do with that stuff is your own business. I didn't come here to play Jiminy Cricket, though." "You, uh, you aren't?" "Well, actually, it's like this..." "Mako-chan got turned into a pig?" Rei asked, wide-eyed. "Yup, and now she's currently waiting in my room with a towel or two as her only claim to modesty." "You saw her naked?" she asked slowly. I bit back a sarcastic reply. Going over the top in The Con, while not unexpected, wouldn't do any wonders for me. "I didn't see anything that would end up in one of Ryo's magazines." Well, not really, anyway, and I wasn't actually *looking*. Much. "Well, I could grab some of her stuff from our room and follow you to yours. It'd look a *lot* less suspicious." "Yeah, tell me about it. Lead the way." On my way back with Rei tagging along, I got that funny feeling that imminent danger was approaching. Something bad was gonna happen, and I knew it was gonna be soon. "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DANG-urk!" Damn robot, I thought as I tossed his power pack into the trash. I slapped on a recyclable sticker on the tin can, just to see what happened. I hated that movie, anyway. Whoa, hang on. What's with the red aura coming from under the door? Problem. I swiped my keycard through the lock and opened the door. Big problem. Nene was doing the Martial Aura of Death thing while Makoto (who'd tied her hair back in its usual ponytail) lounged on the bed, watching cable TV. Did I mention that she was still dressed in only a towel, idly stroking the kitten? Big, *big* problem. "Andy?" she began in that I'm Calm But I'm Going To Shred You voice. "Would you care to explain our...guest?" Crud. This was something I *didn't* want to deal with. "It's a long, strange, twisted story, kid. Chances are, you're not going to believe it." "Try me." she said, clearly expecting a good explanation. Rei popped into the doorway. "Hi, Mako-chan! What was it like being turned into a pig?" she asked, having entered the room. Makoto did the Big Sweatdrop (tm) thing. "You told her?" she asked me. "Well, how *else* was I gonna explain it?" "Hold on, she got turned into a *what*?" Nene asked. "Anyway, I didn't know what you wanted, so I grabbed a bunch of your stuff. Could we borrow your bathroom for a bit, Detective?" Rei asked. I weakly waved in the direction of the bathroom. "Go, go..." "Thank you..." Rei said in a sunny voice. "I never knew that you had so many pairs of thon--" "REI!" Makoto hissed as they made their way to the bathroom. "Wait a minute, what's going on here?!" Nene demanded, that aura thing finally fading. "Okay, here's what *didn't* happen. Makoto and I *didn't* fool around while you were gone. We *didn't* roll around under the sheets. We didn't engage in any heavy necking, light necking, groping, fondling, or saliva swapping. We didn't do anything that would require a trip to the drugstore for precautionary measures. Essentially...she got turned into a pig with one-shot Jusenkyo water, found me, and I decided to give her some hot water. Of course, I didn't know what gender she was at the time, and I didn't want to earn myself a slugging by checking. So, I sprayed her with hot water from the shower, she pops up, naked and happy not to be a pig anymore, and hugged me. Of course, a second later, she realized that she *was* au naturel, and grabbed a towel, telling me to find Rei to get her some clothes, since, she couldn't exactly head over there herself and she didn't have her key on her anyway. Am I losing you?" I finally asked, noting her glazed stare. "You're telling me," she began. "that you had one of the Sailor Senshi here, *naked*, and you didn't *do* anything?" "You're surprised that I didn't take advantage of a girl who was put in that situation? Excuse me, but since when have I turned into Ryo?" "But she's so..." she looked at her chest, then blushed. "so...well-proportioned, and she's always looking for a boyfriend, and..." Criminately, I'd never heard Nene sound so insecure. I wonder what she's so insecure about? "Nene, she's only 16. I'm...well, I'm older. You expected me to have a combined Lolita complex and a fetish for girls in sailor fukus? Geez..." Rei and Makoto exited the bathroom, the latter fully dressed in a nice sweatshirt and slacks combo. She looked at me, and blushed a bit. Rei, for her part, had an "uh-oh, here we go again" look on her face, sweatdrop and all. "Thanks for everything, Detective. I, um...I don't suppose you might have some time--" "Mako-chan, he's too old for you," Rei hissed in Makoto's ear. "Besides, I think those two want to be alone so they can neck." "REI!" I shouted. "I DO NOT!" Nene protested. "Don't want to be alone, or don't want to neck?" Rei teased. Ahem. Time to cut this short. "Rei, didn't you say that you were getting a sundae topped off with...maraschino cherries?" "Uhh..." she faltered, blushing. "C'monMako-chanlet'sgobye!" she said in a rush. "I'll be at the dance tomorrow night!" Makoto said as she was dragged out. Criminately. "So, you still wanna mangle me?" "Um...no, I..." "And what was that all about, anyway? It's part of my job to deal with big-eyed girls with improbably mature bodies. You should know that." "Well, I just worry about you getting involved." Ah. "So, you're saying that you're worried about my ability to remain a professional in compromising situations, and that if I slipped, I'd probably drag my career down the toilet, right?" "Something like that..." she shuffled her feet, looking for all the world like a high school kid standing in front of the principal. Most people would've had the urge to scoop her up into a hug right then and there. I'm not most people, obviously. Still, I was hard-pressed not to. She *is* a nice kid, after all. In the back of my mind, I wondered if she was looking for something more than a good working relationship. Maybe she was...naah. No way, Mays. You're flattering yourself if you think she's getting jealous over you. I dunno. If things were different, maybe... My ruminations were interrupted by the kitten stroking herself against my leg. Absent-mindedly, I started scratching behind her ears. "Y'know, we really have to think of a name for this kitten." I pointed out. "Hmm...how about Meg?" she suggested. "`Meg?'" "Short for `megabyte.'" "Of course. Any objections, kitty?" A long, extended purr was the only answer she gave. I took it as a sign of approval. Or, it could've been that she liked where she was being scratched. "Meg it is, then. C'mere," I gently picked Meg up and deposited her on the bed. "D'you mind keeping an eye on her, kid?" "No...but don't I have any work to do?" "Officially, this isn't up your alley, but...I could use all the help I can get. If and when you can, just keep an eye on things. Don't do anything; that's my department. I'll see if I can't hit the Chief up for some overtime pay, okay?" The crackle of static cut short any further conversation. "Trenchcoat One, this is Zenigata. I've found Goemon. Looks like he's about to face off with this high-school kid with a wooden sword." "Great, Koichi, but what does that have to do with--" "Where there's Goemon, there's Lupin." "Hold off, okay? Where's your backup?" "Chasing after Bean Bandit in the parking lot at 50 mph." ..... "Run that by me again?" "I said they're going 50 mph in the parking lot--" I could hear crashing sounds and huge gunshots in the background. "Nevermind, they *were* going 50 mph in the parking lot. One of those Patlabors just shot both cars in the engine block." "Check on those two nuts and see if they're okay. I'll see what's going on with Goemon." When I got there, a crowd had gathered around the two of them. Kuno was gesturing with that overgrown matchstick of his at Goemon. "You claim to be a noble samurai, yet you consort with one of the most heinous thieves known! Therefore, your sense of honor is forfeit! I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, shall bring you to justice! Prepare yourself!" Goemon, in response, merely sighed and gave me a sidelong glance which told me "this guy is nuts." "As you wish," was his reply to the ranting teenager. Kuno charged, going absolutely nuts with that wooden sword of his. Goemon stood his ground, and I saw the faintest flicker of movement from his hand as Kuno ran past him. I didn't even see the sword come out. Kuno stopped. For a long moment, everything froze. Then Kuno's sword fell apart. His robes suddenly became a pair of shorts as everything else fell. Then I noticed that he'd lost two-thirds of his hair on either side, giving him an almost mohawk-like haircut. Finally, the clueless wonder collapsed, face-first. "I...shall rest...anon." he declared, passing out. As if on cue, there was a Dramatic Wind (tm) which blew through Goemon's hair. This went on for several seconds, so I finally got sick of it and unplugged the fan that just happened to be nearby. "Okay, show's over folks. Move along, nothing to see here," I waved to the gawkers. I made my way over to Goemon. I had a few questions to ask him. "Been a while, hasn't it, Goemon?" I asked. "So it has. Once more, I have cut a worthless object." he observed, looking at Kuno. "No comment. Anyway, I heard your friend's back in town. Hope he doesn't cause *too* much trouble." "Hm." "I take it you've also heard the rumors that someone's going to shut down The Con?" He nodded once. "D'you think Lupin's capable of doing it?" "He wouldn't." "Not his style?" "No." "Would you be willing to give me your word on that?" He looked at me straight in the eye. "Yes." "Okay, that's enough. Thanks, and--oh, yeah...Zenigata's here." "Thank you." he bowed slightly, then ambled off to parts unknown. As usual, this was Zenigata's cue to wander in. "Where's Goemon?" he asked. "He went towards the registration area, I guess. The thing is, I don't think that Lupin's behind this." "What makes you say that? Three years ago, he pretended to be one of the cosplayers and stole the audience's belongings." "Would Lupin endanger his reputation and his own skin by repeating himself?" Zenigata considered this. "No, he always has this flair for the dramatic. Repeating himself would be boring." "My point exactly. Besides, Goemon vouched for him." Zenigata arched an eyebrow at me. "You *believe* him? He's an accomplice!" "I don't think he's got any real reason to lie to me. There *is* that whole samurai honor thing going, you know." "Hmm..." he grumbled, turning it over in his head. "I hate to say it, but I think you're right. Still, I'll keep a lookout for Lupin. This sort of thing just attracts his kind." "You do that. Anything interesting happen, by the way?" "Well, let's see...I had to break up a small riot involving Ataru Moroboshi, Happosai, and your partner." "What were they doing, raiding the dealer's room for H films?" "And doujinshi, and keeping them from feeling up every girl in the room. I don't know how you put up with Saeba. If he were my partner, I would've shot him a long time ago." I buried my face in exasperation. Fortunately, my next stop was quite a bit more pleasant, if noisy. The karaoke show this year was done by someone I'd known since I took this job. I don't get a chance to see him very often, mainly because of who he works with: Over-cute Animate girls. Still, he wasn't a bad guy. To be honest, I think he's more mellow than most of the staffers around. Professor Richard "Pocky" Kim greeted me when I entered the karaoke room. He was dressed in a black suit, tie, and white shirt. All he needed was the sunglasses, and he'd look like something out of a government conspiracy. "Hey, Detective! Been a while, huh?" "I guess so, Pocky. Everything quiet here?" He arched an eyebrow and smirked. "This is karaoke. What do *you* think?" "Good point. Mind if I crash here for a while? I need to avoid Makoto before she latches onto me like a lamprey." "She's got a crush on you?" "She seems to think so. Don't get me wrong. She's a nice kid, but I'd prefer--" "--someone more mature?" he finished. "Someone more legal, you mean?" "Well, yeah. Things'd get complex anyway. Nene almost mauled me when she saw Makoto in a towel." Pocky blinked. "Run that by me again?" "Long story. I'll tell you later. So, who's on first?" "Well, we've got..." he checked the signup sheet and smiled. "Good news, your girlfriend's up." "What girl--" The crowd drowned out whatever I was going to say as Nene strode onto the stage. She waved towards the crowd, and selected "Fly me to the Moon." She's cute. She's friendly. She's...almost totally tone-deaf. I'm in hell. "Thank you, thank you...that was the ever-cute Nene Romanova with her rendition of `Fly me to the Moon.' A word of advice, though, folks: If anybody else sings this tonight, I won't be responsible for any chaos that might follow." A few folks in the audience chuckled. I mustered a smile as the kid plopped herself down at my table, flushed from her little bit on the stage. "What did you think?" she asked me, reaching for a glass of water. "Well..." I hesitated. Honestly, I've heard worse. Besides, she really did seem to try. That, and I'd hate to hurt her feelings, so... "You weren't too bad, kid." I told her, taking a sip of water. "Oh, go on..." she blushed. "Do you think I'd make a good idol singer?" I tried not to choke on my water. "Well, you don't have to act like *that*," she pouted. "Idol singers are a dime a dozen, kid," I told her, wiping myself up. "Brains and cuteness are a rare combo." I couldn't help but smile as she blushed an even deeper shade. Three skirmishes, a case of mistaken identity, a case of mistaken gender, five instances of instant Jusenkyo water, two near-mishaps with powered armor, and a truck holding a stolen Zaku later, I decided that I'd had enough fun for one night. I tried to stifle another yawn as I meandered around the hotel. It didn't quite work out. I'd been awake since, what, 7:00? It had to be almost midnight. Wonder when the hell Leon's gonna show up for his shift? Oh, there he is. Why the hell's he wearing mirrorshades at this time of night? "Geez, you look exhausted." he commented, leaning against a K-12S suit. The thing looked a bit dented, so I guess that explained his lateness. "And I'm sure you're fresh as a daisy after a 13-hour day." I retorted. "Well, maybe not," he admitted. "How's it going between you and Nene-chan? Heard that you two were sharing a room together." "And?" "I'd hate to see her upset." "You're not the only one. She's a nice kid and she deserves better than some guy trying to take advantage of her, which I won't." Leon smiled. "Good." "By the way, where's Priss? Last I heard, you two'd become quite an item." With the new BGC series going without them, I figured that they had more free time. "We're doing okay," he said vaguely, taking out a cigarette and putting it into his mouth. "Gotta light?" "I don't smoke. Besides, the entire hotel is no smoking, remember?" "Damn. A guy can't even get a nicotine fix anymore." he muttered, angrily jabbing his cigarette back in the box. "Those things're gonna kill you someday." I pointed out. "As if this job isn't?" he countered. "If it's not the crooks, then it's the paperwork or the folks upstairs." "Story of our lives," I agreed. We both shared a short laugh at that. "I'm surprised that you and Priss aren't taking advantage of the hotel." "She's too busy trying to hunt down her new and improved version." I sighed. "Figures. That reminds me...who won that little contest a while back?" He removed his mirrorshades and smirked. That said it all. "Nice. Now I don't know about you, but I'm gonna catch some Z's before I collapse in the hallway." "Good night, Detective. If you hear gunfire, that's me." "How reassuring." I swiped my keycard through the lock and opened the door, eager to get this day overwith. Closing it, I heard the shower running. I figured I had a few minutes to kill before I could collapse. Nene came out later, wearing a towel around her head and one wrapped around her body. She was humming something, but stopped short when she saw me. "Eep." she exclaimed, then dashed back to the bathroom, grabbing some pajamas along the way. Guess she forgot that we were sharing rooms. Y'know, it's amazing how detached I get when I'm damn tired. I just had this semi-glazed look in my eyes. Hope the kid didn't take it the wrong way. She came out, wearing pajamas decorated with a cat motif. I noticed that the cabbit slippers were underneath the bed. "Umm....hi." She said, face flushed. "Hey." I replied. "I think we've got a problem that we've been trying to avoid: One bed, two people." "Mew?" "Sorry, two people and a kitten. Any suggestions?" "Well, maybe we could...no, I don't think Linna would welcome the company." "Actually, I had something different in mind. When I remembered that Ryo was the one who booked this room, I took a few precautions." "Such as...?" "Take a look in the closet." She did so, and pulled out an electric blue air mattress. "So, who gets this?" she asked. "I do. Any objections?" "Don't you want the bed?" "Personally, yeah. Professionally, no." "You're really into separating your work from your personal life, aren't you?" Nene observed. "No sense letting 'em mix too much. Things get a lot messier that way." "I suppose...well, good night." "G'night, kid." Nene turned out the lights, and I leaned back. Ten seconds later, both of us were treated to what I can only describe as the sounds of water buffaloes slam dancing in Jell-O. Insert dialogue that's so cheesy, even most Ed Wood films can't compare, and you've got something guaranteed to keep you awake. Criminately. "I'll take care of this, kid." I said, rising from my mattress. Grumbling all the way, I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my keycard. I rapped on the door. The sounds stopped as someone tromped to doorway and peered through the eyehole. Seconds later, one very flushed-looking Hibiki Kanzaki opened the door. I could see Sylvie Gena covering herself up in the bed. "Um...were we--?" he began. "--a little loud? Yes." I said a little pointedly. Hey, I'm grumpy without enough sleep, okay? "Personally, I don't care what you guys do, but could you keep it down a little? People are trying to get some sleep here." "Uh, well, we were almost...you caught us at a really--" Ah. "Whatever. Just keep the screaming down, okay?" In the back, Sylvie flushed even redder than she already was. "Well, that was just *loads* of fun," I groused as I plopped down on the mattress. Through the wall, the sounds of hormones continued for a few minutes, then stopped. Finally. It took me all of thirty seconds to get to sleep. I had a lot of weird dreams, none of which I can really remember. One of 'em was pretty realistic, though. I dreamt that I was holding on to Nene after she'd tripped on me. Weird, huh? ..... Oorg. What time is it anyway? I forgot to set the alarm--8:00? Damn...almost time for my shift already. Funny, but I don't recall the mattress being *this* warm and comfy. And why the hell's my arm so numb? Uh oh. As anybody who knows me can tell you, I'm not a morning person. Therefore, I was shocked as hell to find a very cute, peaceful-looking Nene sleeping on top of me. Oh, did I mention to forget the fact that she's fully dressed? That could be important. So how the hell do I get out of this? "Mew?" Meg hopped down from her little spot on the bed and pawed my cheek. "Shh..." Now was *not* a good time for Nene to wake up. At least, not in this position. It didn't help. The little kitten just started pawing the tip of the kid's nose. "Mmmm...Andy..." she muttered, then went back to sleep with what I swear was a smile on her face. Did I miss something here? Yeah, I know that we've been getting pretty close lately, but I didn't think we were a couple or anything. I decided about then that it was time to take more direct action. I nudged her. All that did was make her grumble incoherently. I uncovered her portion of the blanket. She grabbed it and rewrapped it around herself. "AHEM!" Finally, her eyes fluttered open. She still looked a bit bleary, but she woke up *real* fast when she realized where she was. "Um...uhh...err..." she stammered, her cheeks flushing red. I propped my face on my fist. "I didn't know you wanted the sleeping bag that badly." "Andy!" she exclaimed. Yup, that snapped her out of it. I'm just glad that I wasn't feeling overly sadistic. Otherwise, my first words might've been along the lines of...well, insert something Ryo might say. "Before you start breaking up again, I'd just like to say a few words: No, nothing, nada. Besides, if we did, our next-door neighbors would've commented on it." "Oh." I stretched a bit. "Y'know, technically you're on `standby.' That means that you don't *have* to work security." "I know that. In fact, I'm attending a workshop later this morning." "Which one's that?" She beamed a smile at me. "Kawaii Basics: Cuteness 101. I'm one of the speakers." "Why am I not surprised?" I deadpanned. "You want the bathroom first?" "Well," she considered, "you're on duty, so you'd better go first. I...take a while in the morning." "Thanks. Got any plans for lunch?" "They've got a few nice restaurants in this hotel..." she suggested. "Would it be so bad if we charged the department?" "Not really, but there's a place across the street that's a *lot* cheaper with the same food. A basic rule of economics is that you pay for convenience...and believe me, hotel restaurants make you *pay*." I winced for effect. "Tell me about it," she agreed. "Meet you in the lobby at lunchtime?" "Count on it, kid." I'd made my third patrol of the hotel when I heard some squealing coming from one of the rooms set aside for panels. Offhandedly, I wondered whether or not that Jusenkyo piggy water was still being sold. I hadn't heard anything that high-pitched and annoying since listening to Azusa Shiratori. The door in front of me flew open, and out popped a little pink-haired, bratty moppet, followed by her little floating cat's head. She'd been furiously working the buttons of an absurdly cute-looking electronic device when she let loose a high-pitched wail. "KYAAA! My tamagotchi just died!" Thank you, Chibi-Usagi. I was about to make tracks when a little yellow critter with rosy cheeks and beady eyes bounded past me. Chibi-Usagi's eyes lit up and she threw her Tamagotchi away. Of course, it smacked me right in the forehead. WHACK! "Pika pika!" Pikachu exclaimed, bouncing merrily on his (her?) way. I rubbed my forehead as I followed Chibi-Usagi, intent on giving her a lecture about throwing stuff around. Finally, she caught up with Pikachu and glomped it. "PI-KA-CHUUUUUUU!" it screamed, shocking Chibi-Usagi with about, oh, ten million volts or so. It leaped out of her arms and she stood there, burnt and dazed. CLANG! A multi-ton anvil dropped squarely on her head, flattening her and her little ball quite nicely. She looked like a piece of abstract art, what with her rabbit-ear hair sticking out from under the anvil. "Ahh...whatta little yutz." a rough, female voice declared. I looked up, and was greeted with the sight of two Animate squirrels, one grey and one brown. The grey one was dusting off her hands. "Nice one, Aunt Slappy!" the little squirrel declared. "It takes years of practice to deliver an anvil like that, Skippy. By the way...have you been teaching that rugrat some lessons in cuteness?" "No, Aunt Slappy." "Eh, I thought so. Y'better watch yerself, Mays! Next time, I might not have an anvil on me." "As long as you don't have a dynamite case, I think I'll survive. What're you doing at The Con, anyway?" "Just thought I'd say hi to some of my old buddies. Y'know, the kind of Animates that yer Dad knew when *he* was a cop." "Oh. Astro Boy and the rest, you mean." "Yeah, that's them. Gotta help Skippy here with his history lessons." She patted the smaller squirrel on the back. "Well, you two have fun. I've gotta pump one of my sources for info at the dealer's room." "Ya want me to help `persuade' 'em?" Slappy asked, whipping out an unlit bomb from Who Knows Where. "I can handle it, thanks." There was only one person I could turn to in times like this; unfortunately, every time I did, my wallet felt a helluva lot lighter. When a guy's strapped for info, though, they don't come any more reliable (if expensive) than Nabiki Tendo. Truthfully, I was tempted to accept Slappy's offer. However, blowing people up generally makes people clam up. "Nabiki." I began. She stopped counting her cash and subtly hid it. "Detective. To what do I owe this pleasure--" "Cut it out. You *know* that gets on my nerves." "I'm merely trying to be polite to one of the city's finest officers." Oh, she's slick. "I don't suppose you happen to know anything about the recent rash of fanboy-smuggled goods? Of course, there's also the matter of the wackos that keep popping up everytime I turn around." "Hmm...well, I *have* heard a few things, but...oh dear, my memory's a little rusty." "How much?" I asked, maybe a bit pointedly. "Why, *Detective*," she said, sounding shocked. "You make it sound as if I were some sort of mercenary. I assure you that all my business transactions are *quite* legitimate." "How. Much?" "Well, Akane has been just *dying* for a stuffed P-Chan plushie. I think you can find one for about $60, if you act fast. The little guy seems to make himself *so* scarce, and, well..." "Okay, okay, I get the point." She smiled in that smug manner that comes from having all the cards. She's not a bad person, really. It's just that her attitude's gonna get her in some trouble when she gets older. Sixty bucks (and a *lot* of odd looks) later, I marched over to Nabiki's stall and handed her the pig. She examined the stuffed critter intently, trying to find something wrong with it. "I don't know..." she began, "This looks like a forgery to me." "*Nabiki*..." I put just a tad bit of The Edge in my voice. She smiled blithely. "Well, since we're *such* good friends, this'll do. What do you need?" "Information on who might want to sabotage The Con." "That's a long list," she said. "I can't give out any names, due to client confidentiality, but I *have* heard of someone who can do it." "What's their motivation? Money? Power? A chance to discredit Animates?" "They're all very good reasons." she said cheerfully, as if that was enough. "Do I *know* this individual? Or is this a group thing?" She nodded. "You met this person very recently." "Is this some disgruntled fanboy plot?" She shook her head, looking disappointed. "Definitely not. Otherwise, I wouldn't have him as a client." "Money laundering?" "Creative investing." She corrected me. "Any other questions? I *do* have to run a business here." "Is this hypothetical person from out of town?" She nodded. "Most definitely. In fact, I think it's safe to say that you've almost butted heads with this person." "Uh *huh*. Is there a reason why you're even telling me *this* much?" "Detective," she sounded mortified. "Are you saying that I'm not civic-minded? Admittedly, I have a vested interest in keeping The Con going, but I'm compromising between that and client confidentiality. I wouldn't do this for anyone other than the city's finest." "I'm honored," I replied, in a tone that said that I was anything but. "Oh, Nabiki?" "Yes, Detective?" "How much have you invested in your...`ventures' at The Con?" "Oh...enough to get by." "Well, I'd advise pulling your investments out slowly. Y'see--and this is for free--a few of my fellow officers from the WWWA have taken an interest in said smuggling ring. If everything keeps to form, I'm afraid that everything in the hotel could be...affected. Kei and Yuri have never been very subtle." I mock-sighed. "I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Detective." I was about to leave when, in true Columbo Fashion, I turned around as a thought occurred to me. "Just one more little thing...what I told you had better not circulate around. The last thing I need is a panic on my hands. Understood?" "Perfectly." As I left the dealer's room, I had the feeling I was being watched. Sure enough, I caught the briefest glimpse of an Ominous Shadow (tm) just around the corner. Who wants to bet that it's the perp? Either that, or I'm getting paranoid in my old age. "This is Trenchcoat One to all units. Be on the lookout for someone..." I trailed off. Would anybody actually be on the lookout for an Ominous Shadow (tm)? "Never mind. Trenchcoat One out." This may sound weird for a detective, but I *really* hate people who talk in riddles. At times it drives me nuts trying to fill in the holes. What separates a good detective from a hack wannabe is the ability to fill those holes in while you're on the go. Right now, I was showing Nene a nice hole-in-the-wall deli place I'd known about for years. The owners had been friends of my Dad, and they were always happy give me extra portions whenever I came by. For my money, this was a *lot* cheaper than eating the overpriced food at the Hull House Inn. I think I should mention that during this time, I was a little distracted. The kid caught me staring into my coffee mug contemplating the mysteries of life, the universe, and why both were conspiring to drive me off the deep end. "You okay?" she asked. "You haven't even touched your food." My grumbling stomach confirmed it, as well the sandwich on my plate. Geez, I must've really zoned out. "I'm okay, kid. I was just...thinking about some stuff my informant told me." "Nabiki wasn't very helpful, was she?" "Do the words `rubber crutch' mean anything to you? She claims it's due to `client confidentiality,' but I think she just likes jerking my chain. I do know that whoever's behind the more organized wackiness at The Con is probably at the hotel or close by." "Why do you say that? Couldn't they just phone in their orders or e-mail them?" she asked. "It's more satisfying to see the results if you're close. Besides, the media's not really allowed inside the hotel. There's also the ego factor." "So, we know whoever it is has a big ego, is rich, and you've met them." she counted off on her fingers. "That doesn't narrow it down very much." "Maybe not," I said in between bites. "But I've definitely got some prospects. You want that pickle?" "You go ahead. I'm saving half the sandwich for Meg." Nene's expression softened when she said the kitten's name. "You've really gotten attached to that kitty, haven't you?" "Well, she's so cute and friendly and warm and...I'm really going on, aren't I?" She looked rather embarrassed. "I haven't noticed. You go on ahead. I'll take care of the bill." On the way back, I noticed that the protest crowd around the hotel had died down quite a bit. In fact, people seemed to have taken a break and gone home. That suited me just fine, as I wasn't in any real mood to deal with it. I was wondering what else was going to happen when six people in spandex somersaulted into the hotel. This wouldn't be so unusual if they were anybody that I knew...which they weren't. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stan making his rounds. I waved him over. "We are the Otaku Six!" the red one (why is it *always* the guy in red that's the leader?) declared. "I am Otaku Mecha!" "Of course." I deadpanned. "These are Otakus Magical Girl, Romance, Adventure, Classic...and Hentai." The guy's tone took on a *very* disapproving tone when he introduced the last one. "Since the local sentai groups have been, shall we say, incapacitated, we've decided to hold the fort. For a nominal fee, of course." "When do we get to see the tentacle porn?!" Otaku Hentai demanded. "I wanna find some cute guy and snuggle!" Otaku Romance declared. "I wanna fight for whatever the virtue of the day is!" That was Otaku Magical Girl. "Lemme into the dealer's room, and I'll gut everything that's pre-1980!" Otaku Classic said. "SHADDUP!" Otaku Mecha bellowed. "We're not here to have fun, we're here to take over The Con!" The other members of the Otaku Six gasped. "Hey, you weren't supposed to let that out!" Otaku Magical Girl said. "We were *supposed* to be all goody-goody, and *then* we take over The Con. That's what the short guy sai--MFF!" Otaku Hentai covered where her mouth was. "Say one more word about our boss, and I'll show you my collection." he threatened. Boss? You mean somebody hired *them*? "Lemme handle this." Stan said, finally reaching me. "Um, excuse me...Otaku Mecha, is it?" "Correct. And you are...?" "Stan Tai, the Sentai Detective. Look, you can't just walk in here and declare that you're going to take over The Con." "And why not?" "You'd have to present a mound of paperwork to start with, and don't even get me *started* on talking with the fans. I mean--YOW!" Otaku Mecha grabbed Stan by the shirtfront. I started towards them, but Stan waved me off. "Listen, buddy," Otaku Mecha growled. "We're taking over The Con, no ifs, ands or buts." "On one condition: That you prove that you're really a sentai group. You do that, and you've got one foot in the door." Mecha let him go. "All right...how do we prove it?" "Just follow my hands, all of you..." Fifteen seconds of ludicrous posing later, all of the Otaku Six were tangled up. Stan dusted off his hands and jerked a thumb towards his victims. "Geez, what a bunch of amateurs. Take over, guys." he said to some security people, then went outside. I did the same. Besides, I needed some fresh air. My ears were assaulted by the shouts of "Sieg Jion" as I neared the area outside the lobby. Stan was looking mildly annoyed as the bunch handed out pamphlets and application forms to everyone in the immediate area. "Friends of yours, Andrew?" he asked. "Nah, but we've crossed paths before." As if on cue, one of the recruiters dropped his stack of pamphlets ("We're looking for a few really good Newtypes") and pointed at me. "It is the trenchcoated blasphemer! It is he who DARES to mock the great Char Aznable! SEIZE HIM!" Taking that as our cue, Stan and I ran like hell, jumping behind some conveniently-placed reinforced walls. The hotel was mildly fortified (but not armed), the better to withstand a couple of inevitable stray shots. "Okay, I'll bite; what happened?" Stan asked, in between calling for backup. "We had a disagreement in pronounciation. I said `Zeon,' they said `Jion.' Nobody would call the whole thing off." Stan winced. "Romanization's a touchy subject, isn't it?" "Especially for the die-hards, Stan. Got any ideas? I think they're packing live Zakus." "They're WHAT?! They'll trash the place!" I raised an eyebrow. "Stan, just about *any* mecha can do a number on the hotel!" "Oh, yeah...forgot about that. Backup will be here in three minutes." "In about thirty seconds, we'll be looking down the wrong end of a Zaku's cannon. Have you got any other ideas?" He considered something, then snapped his fingers. "It's a long shot, but..." "But...?" He stood straight up and gestured wildly. For a sec, I thought he was going to attract the Jion's attention...until several shadows loomed over the Zakus. "I call upon the giant robot!" he exclaimed, adopting a ridiculous pose. Sure enough, a giant robot *did* appear. I think it was one of the versions of Megazord...can't keep track of those damn things. It fell straight for the Zakus, who were in a conveniently tight formation. CRUNCH! ..... "How the hell did you do that?" I demanded. Stan merely shrugged. "I have *no* idea. I guess working with these guys so long has rubbed off on me." "Well, it worked. I--hey, are there *more* robots coming down?" I asked, noticing some dark shapes in the sky. Stan looked up, shielding his eyes. He gaped as a long string of sentai robots started crashing where the Zakus were. "Oh, no..." he moaned. "I think I overdid it." "Really?" I replied, not trying very hard to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. "Y'think Natsumi and Miyuki are gonna be happy with this little jam?" Stan smiled weakly. "We could always make it a tourist attraction: The Leaning Tower of Giant Robots." I shook my head. "I don't think so. I'd better get back inside where I *know* how bad it'll get." "Gee, thanks...leave me to clean up the mess..." he grumbled. Time to make one last sweep of the dealer's room before the cosplay. There hasn't been any trouble inside yet, but then again...well, you never know. Ooboy. Urd's trying to sell some of her love potions again. Well, better steer clear of her-- "Detective! Long time, no see." she purred. Uh, yeah. What do you say to a woman whose every step invites guys for a closer look? I'd gotten used to the fact that she likes body-hugging dresses, so it didn't bother me too much. Besides, I might *sorta* owe her one from a while back. "It hasn't been that long," I corrected her. "Valentine's Day was only a couple of weeks ago." "Oh, right. So," she leaned in closer, almost whispering in a conspiratorial tone. "how's it going with you and that cute little redhead?" "Fine, I guess. We're doing okay so far." I shrugged. Urd sighed, her green eyes rolling skyward in askance. "*Just* `okay?' That's *it*?" "Yeah, why?" "Kami-sama, you are *so* dense," she muttered under her breath. "Mays, you gave up a *wish* for her. A *wish*! One of those once-in-a-lifetime things, no strings attached!" "It was a slip of the tongue. Besides, the poor kid needed something good after that kind of day." "You could've wished for something else," she pointed out. "Nothing came to mind at the time--" "Exactly! You were more concerned about her than your own welfare. Face facts, Detective: You *care* about her." "And, hypothetically speaking, if I *do*?" "I think you two look good together. You're not as hard-boiled as you bill yourself, and she knows it." "Really?" I asked, not convinced. "Really," she nodded. "If you were like those private detectives in those novels, you would've slept with her by now." Damn, why the hell are my cheeks burning? Is it because she might, in some astronomically small way, have a point? Nah. It's probably the bad thermostats in this place. I think. "Well, I'd like to keep talking, but...I have to kinda--" Whoa. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ken Nakajima and Miyuki Kobayakawa talking to one another. The next moment, they were in liplock like there was no tomorrow. "I see that you've been keeping busy," I remarked. "I get by. You know..." she began, leaning closer to me. "If you play your cards right, this thing between you and Nene *could* develop into something bigger." "Um, Urd? To be honest...there's me, there's her...but I'm not really sure that there's an `us' in the near future. Besides, if there *was* going to be an `us,' I'd like it to be more than just one night of raging hormones." "Really?" she purred, rubbing up against me. "I didn't know you were into Animates. I *could* teach you a things about her that even *she* doesn't know about herself." "Such as...?" Urd whispered something in my ear. "Really?" I asked, not too convinced. "Given her sweet tooth, it makes sense." Urd confirmed. "Don't make her wait *too* long, Detective. Otherwise, I *might* have to take action." "Lemme guess," I said. "You slip something in my coffee, and the next thing I know, she's all over me, right?" "That would be love potion number 326. Two drops in a drink or in some food, and you're irresistable to the first person of the opposite gender whom you like. I just happen to have some..." "No thanks, Urd. But, I *would* like the antidote for whatever you gave those two." She pouted. It wasn't a cute pout, like Nene's, I noticed. "You really *aren't* any fun, are you?" "Well, unless you *really* want me to tell Belldandy what happened when you were drunk last Tuesday. You remember...when guys started turning into newts?" "Uhh..." A small sweatdrop rolled down the side of her head. "You knew?" she asked in a very small voice. "Yup." "Can you at least wait until *after* they've--" "No." I cut her off. "Do *you* wanna be the one to try to get those two out of a catatonic state tomorrow morning?" "I won't be *here* by that time." "Oh, fine. Leave me to clean up your mess, why don't you?" "All right, all right," she said, not too pleased. "As soon as they get into heavy necking, I'll take off the spell--and there they go now." she pointed out. I watched for a few seconds. "I think they're going past heavy necking, Urd." "Define `heavy,' Detective." she said with a smirk, clearly enjoying her work. "Urd..." "Just a few more minutes," she protested. "In a few more minutes, they're going to go for the backseat of her car." "Why ever would you think that?" she asked mischieviously. "Remember, we're in a hotel." "The way those two are going at it, I don't think they'll be able to wait in line for a room." I pointed out. "Now would be a good time to cancel that spell." "Spoilsport." she waved her hands, and Ken and Miyuki stopped kissing. As I expected, Ken froze and began to stammer apologies. Miyuki, for her part, looked shocked and blushed. "There now, happy?" "Ecstatic." I said in a flat voice. "My, aren't we repressed?" she remarked. "It's kept me out of trouble so far. And, as for me and Nene...well, whatever'll happen will happen." I shrugged. Urd sighed. "Don't keep stringing her along, Detective. If you wait too long, it might be too late." "You know something I don't?" I asked. She was *rarely* this honest with anyone. "I just hate to see a good couple break up before they even start, that's all." My curiosity got the better of me. "And exactly how far do you think we'll go? *If* there's an `us,' that is." She just shrugged. "As far as you want to take her." A burst of static interrupted us. "We're ready at the cosplay whenever you are, Trenchcoat One." one of the volunteers said. "On my way." I replied. The line for the cosplay had started two hours before the show had begun. Fanboys were sitting in a line that snaked across a good portion of the hotel. Fortunately, my security staff had set up some ropes to show where the line was supposed to be, just to avoid any fire hazards. All this hassle, just to see some fanboys and fangirls in costumes. Amazing. They even put up with the hour delay without *too* much of a fuss, which was even more amazing. About a half hour into the show, I noticed that a prop on the stage wasn't being used by any of the cosplayers. It was electronic, but the protruding wires and the weird angles the outside had made me wonder about the builder's sanity. There was also, of course, the digital readout on the front. I couldn't make it out, so I dug some binoculars out of my trenchcoat. Taking a closer look, I didn't like what I saw. The readout was counting down. Well, this was either some demented joke, or...it's a real bomb. I decided to treat it as if it were real. I tapped the emcee on the shoulder while he was away from the spotlight, flashing my badge. "Mays, Anime Detective," I told him. "You know anything about that thing in the middle of the stage? The one that nobody seems to be using?" "Can't say I do. I thought it was a prop for one of the skits." "You see anyone suspicious leaving that thing on?" "Yeah..." he said thoughtfully. "Some guy that kinda looked like a cockroach with a motorcycle helmet on. He kept muttering to himself." "Something like `yeah, baby?'" "That's the guy. I think I've seen him somewhere..." "All right, three things. Don't act surprised, just look like I'm telling you boring stuff. Got it?" "Got it." "First of all, I have every reason to believe that it's a bomb, and I'm guessing that it's real. Keep it quiet." I warned him. "Right...and the third thing?" "I've gotta go on stage to defuse it. Be creative." "Gotcha." He straightened out his tie and walked to the podium, doing a pretty good job of hiding the fact that he was scared spitless. "Thank you, that was Ryu and Terry Bogard. And now, one of our finest police officers is going to take the stage tonight. You know him as Detective Andrew Mays, but for tonight he is...ZENIGATA!" ZENIGATA?! What the HELL is that guy doing?! I nervously strode onto the stage, trying to think up some lines to throw at the audience. I was coming up with zip. "I'm going to have to break character, here. Is Minnie May Hopkins out there, somewhere?!" I shouted. A bunch of petite blondes stood up. "RIGHT HERE!" they chorused. Argh. I *hate* masquerades. I picked out the real one from the crowd and gestured her to come onstage. She looked a little confused. "I need you to disarm this bomb." I said in a hushed voice. "Is this real?" she asked in the same way, taking my lead. "Yeah, it's real." I raised my voice a bit so that the microphone could pick me up. "I'm going to have to ask everyone to clear the area. I've just received word that Lupin is around and he *might* be raiding some rooms. I advise you to check, just in case." Well, there was a lot of grumbling, but the crowd slowly filed out. I took off my hat and wiped the sweat off my forehead. Minnie May was still trying to decipher the bomb mechanism, but it looked like she was a bit frustrated. "Who the hell built this thing?" she griped. "Everything's all messed up in here!" "Well, take your best guess." I suggested. She frowned, then clipped a wire. Crud. The display started counting down faster than a kid who cheats at hide and seek. Two hours started counting down in fifteen-minute intervals. "Uh-oh." she said, sweating heavily. Better think of something *fast*, Mays, before you're splattered! There wasn't time to get the thing defused, and I was pretty sure that I couldn't sprint to the pool fast enough to dunk it. There's gotta be another way-- Then, it hit me. Maybe there *was* someplace I could stash the bomb. An hour (four seconds to you and me) was left, so I took off my trenchcoat, dumped the bomb in the pocket that lead to Who Knows Where, and ran like hell. Two seconds later, my trenchcoat inflated like a balloon as the bomb exploded. It deflated, smoke streaming from the lining. "Yeah, baby!" a rough voice exclaimed. At one of the entrances to the hall stood a guy who looked somewhat like an anthropomorphized cockroach with goggles and a helmet. "FREEZE! Anime Detective!" I shouted, flashing my badge. Of course, the cockroach ran...straight into Ryo. "Going somewhere?" he asked in that vaguely cocky way. "Anywhere I want, copper!" he exclaimed, shoving a bomb into Ryo's hands. He dashed off, cackling maniacally. I grabbed the bomb out of Ryo's hands and shoved it down my trenchcoat pocket. Once again, the explosion inflated my trenchcoat, but other than a bit of smoke, no damage. "All units, this is Trenchcoat One!" I yelled into my walkie talkie. "Be on the lookout for a guy that looks like a cockroach! He just tried to bomb the cosplay!" It was a thing of beauty when I saw both the volunteers and the pros converging upon that roach. Cornered, he pulled out another bomb and held it high. "One step closer, coppers, and I blow us all to smithereens!" "Look, it's The Tick!" I shouted, pointing behind him. "Where?" he looked around frantically. That was everyone's cue to swarm him. It was over in a few seconds, and the weirdo was cuffed. Geez, that was close. If I were any slower, there'd be bits of fans plastered to the walls. As it was, my trenchcoat'd seen better days. So, there I was, leaning against a wall. It wasn't even 9:00 in the evening, and I was just about beat. In the back of my mind, there was something telling me that I'd better get out of the main hall if I knew what was good for me. "Andy! Are you all right?" Nene asked as she jogged towards me. "I've been worse. Dunno about you, kid, but I'm beginning to run on empty. Could you get Ryo to take over for a bit while I grab something?" She blinked, looking a little confused. "You're asking Ryo to sub for you? Are you feeling all right?" "Weird, isn't it? I trust him with my life...just not around women. He's funny that way, isn't he?" "Funny? That's...um...*one* way to describe him." "The ladies have other ways of describing me," Ryo said, barging in with a smirk. "Most of them I can't say in front of Nene-chan because she'll start blushing in that cute way I know you like." Nene pulled down one eyelid and stuck out her tongue. "Bee-dah!" "Careful, Nene-chan," he said cockily. "It'll stick that way." "Hmph!" she said huffily. "I'll be in our room, taking care of Meg." "No problem, kid--Ryo, you have this weird look on your face. What's up?" "I know you like 'em young and cute, but...well, I didn't know that you had this thing for Sailor Senshi." "What?! Lemme guess...Makoto?" "Uh huh. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I blinked. "You're not going after her?" Ryo gave me an evil grin. "I *never* stand in the way of true love. Let me know how tonight went, okay?" With that, he scampered off. "RYO!" I am going to pound him *so* flat the next time I catch him. "Hi, Detective." A voice greeted from behind me. I turned around and was met with the sight of Makoto. She was in a conservative black top and green skirt combo. Not for the first time, I thought that she looked *very* mature for her age. "I was wondering if, maybe you'd like to..." Great. She's going to ask me to dance, and I'm dead either way. Isn't there *somebody* who can get me out of this?! "Excuse me, Miss." A voice rumbled from behind Makoto. "You wouldn't happen to be Makoto Kino, would you?" "Well, yes, but..." Makoto trailed off as she got her first good look at the guy. He was tall, about a half foot taller than me, and not quite as skinny as a rail...though he was close. He had a face that practically screamed to the world "I like puns." He wore wireframe glasses. Behind him was a Chinese guy, about 5'10, wearing a green jacket and jeans. He also wore wireframe glasses, along with a white fishing hat. THANK you. "See what I mean, Marty?" said the Chinese guy. "At The Con, you can find just about anyone. And you said you didn't want to go." "You didn't leave me much choice, Doc." was all Marty said before looking into Makoto's eyes and grinning. "Are you Detective Mays?" Doc asked me. "Yup, that's me. I'm the poor sap that has to run security." "Oh, you poor soul," he remarked. "I just came for the fanfic panel and convinced my friend over there to come along. 'Course, reserving a non-refundable ticket for him and getting his mother in on the act wasn't easy, but hey..." A breathy sigh interrupted us, and we both turned around. Makoto was currently blushing, doing the dreamy eye thing. Marty just stood there, grinning like an idiot. "They seem to have it off." I commented. "He must look like her old boyfriend or something." Doc joked, then studied me for a moment. "Anybody ever tell you that you've got this passing resemblance to Bogart?" "More than once," I admitted. "What's with the Gilligan hat?" Doc twitched. "This. Is. A. *Fishing*. Hat." he enunciated each word. "*NOT* a Gilligan hat." "Well, *somebody*'s touchy about their hat." I muttered. "Ah, Jee-zus Quack...if I had a dime for every time somebody made that remark..." he grumbled. "You'd get yourself another hat?" I joked. Doc seemed to think it over. "Well...yeah. Anyway, I've gotta get some pictures. With any luck, I'll get some of the better costumes, not like the guy behind you." I took a look, and immediately regretted it. It was the tackiest costume I'd ever seen. A ragged chartreuse cape hung limply from the guy's back. His olive tights weren't. The mask which was supposed to have hidden his identity did nothing but make him look silly. Still, he was somehow dangerous...if only to anyone with even the most remote taste in clothes. "You've been lucky, dealing with a bunch of amateurs, Detective." he declared, pointing a finger at me. "Now, it's time for someone *professional* to wreck The Con." "Mind if I ask who the hell you are? Not that I really care, but there *are* some conventions that have to be followed." "I am...DIVIDE N. CONQUER!" he announced semi-dramatically. Ryo was heading my way, so I decided to keep the weirdo talking. "Wha?" I said, oh-so-intelligently. "Observe the power of my Faction Gloves!" Gesturing with his hands, blue and red energy flowed from his left and right hands, respectively. They hit a bunch of unsuspecting fans, who then started arguing. "I say, SUBS are better!" "You're full of it! DUBS are better!" "SUBS!" "DUBS!" "SUBS!" "DUBS!" Uh-oh... "Do you understand my power, now, Detective? With a mere gesture, I can have the fans bickering over just about ANYTHING!" He let loose a peal of manaical laughter. "With my Faction Gloves, I'll be able to divide the fans amongst themselves! They'll tear this hotel apart in their wake! Nothing can stop an argument amongst the die-hard fans who believe that *their* perspective is the only one! Just ask anyone on the USEnet newsgroups! There is no compromising with these people!" Another wave of his hands had people arguing over which character designs on Ranma were better. Yet another had people debating over how bouncy Noriko Takaya was over Mai Shiranui. Wave after wave of this clown's gloves sent people into frenzied arguments. The worst were the arguments over ship versus ship and fighter versus fighter. "Macek is the Anti-Christ!" "No way! He made Robotech, didn't he?" "Tekuza!" "Disney!" "Lupin!" "Rupan!" "The Yamato can beat the Borg anytime!" "Bull! They'd be assimilated in no time!" "Ryu!" "Terry Bogard!" "Nene!" "Priss!" "Linna!" "SHUT UP!" This was getting bad. I needed to calm all these fans down, or at least, find *something* that they could all get behind. Not much of a chance of that, is there? And, as if things weren't bad enough, some smartass is piping the fight music from the 1960's Batman series over the intercom. And where the hell is Ryo--oh, right. He was caught in the middle. Well, when in doubt, get everyone's attention. I was about to head off to my car to grab my chalkboard and Freddy Krueger glove when everyone just stopped cold. The crowd cleared a path for the two women casually strolling by. Judging from the conversation, they sounded like they were exchanging cooking tips. "I never thought about that." Belldandy admitted. "You may want to try making that for Keiichi," Kasumi suggested. "I'm sure he'd like it." "Thank you--was there something going on?" the goddess asked, looking around at the frozen mob. They all gaped at her and Kasumi. As if on cue, everyone dropped to their knees and started bowing and scraping. I had to fight the urge myself. I also wondered why they were at The Con at 9:00 at night, but I wasn't arguing. "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" the fans chanted. Kasumi blinked. "Oh, my. Did we interrupt something?" "Nah, nothing important." I told her. I have *got* to remember this the next time a riot breaks out. Even the PA system stopped playing that fight music. "How *dare* you ignore me!" Divide N. Conquer ranted. He raised his hands, about to hit the fans with that brain ray of his. "GET HIM!" One guy shouted, and the mob promptly stampeded towards him. Blue and red flashes hit the crowd, but they had no effect. For one brief moment, every fan in the area was united for one cause: Stomp this guy for manipulating them. Now, I suppose I could've described Divide N. Conquer's fate as being beaten to a bloody pulp. I'd be lying, though. I mean, there were a couple of blunt objects and the occasional kick, but it wasn't all that bloody. I did kinda like the way his eyes bugged out like a deer caught in headlights. Wish I had a camera for that moment. After the crowd had dispersed (thanks to my friend, Mr. Megaphone), I called for an ambulance. The supervillian wannabe had a few teeth loose and a *lot* of bruises, but he'd live. I knelt down next to him, read him his rights for inciting a riot, took off his gloves, and cuffed him. "Is this the nut who started the riot?" Ryo asked, dusting himself off as he approached. "That's him. You go ahead and get him processed, interrogate him, whatever. I need..." I yawned mightily. "some caffeine and Mylanta in my system." "Long day at work?" he joked. "Not so long that I can't pound you, Ryo." I said, trudging over to the nearest hotel restaurant. Five doses of Mylanta and a cup of joe later, I decided that caffeine wasn't going to work this time. I was just about exhausted. It was the kind of exhaustion that settled in your ankles and made every joint above them turn to jelly. I didn't really walk to my room. It'd be more accurate to say that I dragged myself there, with the prospect of throwing myself on the air mattress the only thing keeping me from collapsing in the hallway. I didn't remember swiping my card through the lock. I didn't care when I found that the lights were still on. All I wanted to do was sleep in my nice, comfy air mattress-- --which had been punctured by an utterly innocent-looking Meg. "Mew?" she said innocently. Arrrghh...well, might as well prop myself on the recliner. "How come you're in that chair?" Nene asked as she came out of the bathroom in her pajamas. "Mainly because Meg flattened my mattress with her claws." "Oops. Well, kittens are kittens, you know?" "Yeah, well...y'mind handing me my blanket, kid? I'm about ready to crash." I said, doffing my hat onto a nearby table. "You know, you're really going to regret sleeping there." she pointed out. "I really don't have much of a choice, you know?" "Um...well...you could...I mean, we could..." she fumbled, looking down and touching the tips of her index fingers together. "Us. Bed. Just tonight. Sleeping, I mean." I actually worked up the energy to get up from the chair. "Uh, kid...I'm not going to--" "I trust you." she said quietly. I blinked. Those three words stopped me in mid-rant like a freight train hitting a mountain. "Run that by me again?" "We've worked together on and off for about a year. I know you won't do anything..." she blushed. "anything that Ryo would do." "Well, yeah...that's a given." "So, um...g'night." With that, she climbed in and turned off her light. Taking off my shoes and trenchcoat, I followed suit. Whoof. The last thought that came to me before I tumbled into dreamland was how adorable she looked when she was asleep. ..... "DARLING!" the alarm clock shrieked, with the duo of Hikaru Hiyama and Lum cutting through the airwaves. "GYAH!" I bolted upright in the bed, wide awake. It took me a moment to realize that someone's arms were wrapped around my waist. I remembered where I was, and what didn't happen last night. I glanced to the other side of the bed. Sure enough, the kid was still sleeping, even after hearing my alarm. I wonder how she managed that? I have this sudden urge to give her a peck on the forehead. I sat there for a moment, just looking at her. Finally, she let go of me and stretched. When she opened her eyes and saw me, she just blushed. "Umm...morning." she said in a very small voice. "Good morning yourself. I seem to have been your teddy bear for last night." I observed. "I...I guess so." she said hesitantly. "It's okay, kid. As roommates go, you're not bad. At least you didn't hog the sheets." I joked. "I wouldn't know what that's like. I'm an only child, remember? That, and...Mom and Dad didn't let boys sleep over, even when I was little." "Ah." I said oh-so-coherently. "Andy?" "Yeah, kid?" "Would you...maybe...sort of...consider doing this again sometime?" "Well, next time, we make *sure* that we get two separate beds, okay?" I smiled. "Thanks for trusting me." "Anytime." she said softly. I'm not a morning person. Anybody who knows me even casually can tell that. Still, I couldn't help but smile as I went through my morning routine. I was glad that Ryo wasn't around. He probably would've jumped to the wrong conclusion...as usual. My good mood didn't last as I left the room. There were too many loose ends, and The Con closed at 4:00. I had to tie them up before whoever that Ominous Shadow (tm) actually *succeeded* at screwing up The Con. Come to think of it, I didn't think that The Con would actually go all three days without catastrophic amounts of trouble. Something told me though, that this wasn't all random. Even with Nabiki's info, I felt like the chances of me finding out who was responsible was about the same as Masamune Shirow's picture being plastered all over the internet; highly unlikely, to say the least. Still...some info was better than none. Now, if only things would keep quiet enough for me to work it out. It was like I was being kept off balance or something. "Excuse me, Detective?" I turned around to see none other than Ami Mizuno. She looked a little worried. "How can I help you, Ami?" "Um...there's this guy who keeps following me. He hasn't done anything yet, but..." Hmm... "Would he happen to have ash blonde hair and glasses?" "That's him." she confirmed. I took a peek around the corner and saw who she was talking about. He ducked back, but I marched my way over towards him. Ami followed. "John..." I called out. The guy cringed a little, then turned around. "Um...yeah?" "If you're going to ask Ami out, you could at least stop doing the stalker bit. It makes people nervous, you know." I shoved him in front of Ami, noticing that he'd developed a huge nervous twitch. "Hi,I'mJohnI'mawriter." he babbled. "I'm Ami--well, I guess you know who I am." she said shyly. John just nodded mutely. "I'm a big fan of your show. In fact, I've written some fan fiction on it." "Really? You haven't written any lemons, have you? I don't really like those." Ami explained with a flush in her cheeks. "Ummmmmmmm...no." "Hey, aren't you John Biles?" Fan Boy popped up from nowhere. "This guy writes some *great* fan fiction! He's even done a couple of lemons!" he told Ami, who looked aghast. I grabbed Fan Boy by the ear. "I think these two were in the middle of a conversation. Why don't you just go to the dealer's room and drool over the nice, shiny merchandise like all the others?" As I dragged the geek wonder away, I thought I heard Ami screaming something. I'm not sure, but I think it sounded like one of her attacks as Sailor Mercury. Then again, I could be wrong. "Detective, we've got a report of a guy frozen up to his neck in a block of ice. He's blocking the hallway to Main Programming." a brunette gopher explained. She was wearing an Indiana Jones hat which was a bit small, but made her look kinda cute. "Any suggestions?" "Put him on stage and turn on the spotlights. That'll thaw him out in a bit." I told her, then looked at her name tag. "`Kymdragon?' Weren't you running the con suite?" She shrugged. "People got pushy really fast. That, and I seem to have attracted a lot of pigs." "I hope you mean that in the literal sense," I commented dryly. "There's been a run of Jusenkyo water going around. Nice hat, by the way." "It was a gift. Say, have you seen a guy a little taller than me, green jogging jacket, white hat?" "Not lately, although you might try looking for Sailor Jupiter. She seems to be stuck on his friend, and the guy seems to hang around them." "Oh. Okay, thanks." I was mulling over what I'd picked up over the course of The Con, thanking the powers that be that everyone was either too tired or hungover to really cause much hassle for my security team. That gave me some time to sort out the facts. Whoever was behind most of the intentional chaos had hired human agents, not Animates. This person had to be rich, greedy, and short. Why didn't I think of him earlier? It's two hours before the closing ceremonies, and I think I've *finally* figured it out. I stifled a yawn as I passed by the elevator complex. That was a mistake, as Zenigata strode towards me. He *didn't* look pleased. "What was with you trying to imitate me at the cosplay?" he demanded. "You *know* we don't look anything alike!" "Koichi, it wasn't my idea--" I began. "And what's the idea of saying that Lupin was around? Do you *know* how worked up I got over the prospect of actually *catching* the little--" DING! Another elevator arrived, stopping Zenigata in mid-rant. The doors opened, and I saw Ryo looking frustrated as Inspector Percy kept ranting about how his car was damaged. Ryo just tromped out of the car and grabbed Zenigata, almost shoving him into the elevator. "Inspector Percy, Zenigata. Zenigata, Inspector Percy. Hope you two get along well together. I'll see you later." he said in a rushed voice, punching the top floor button on the panel. "Wait a minute--" Zenigata said, just before the doors closed. "Now see here--" Percy said at the same time. Ryo leaned against a wall and sighed. "Do you *know* how maddening it is to be trapped with a person who fixates on just *one* thing?" "I have *no* idea." I said, trying not to sound sarcastic. "Funny." he said flatly. "Seriously, Ryo, I think I know who the perp behind the chaos is. Well, the chaos that the fans didn't cause anyway." "I've got a few ideas myself," he admitted. "I think it's--" I held up my hand for him to be quiet. I thought I saw someone peeking around the corner. I thought it was that Ominous Shadow (tm) that I'd seen the past couple of times. "Ryo, you wanna check it out?" I muttered quietly. "You got it. Besides...anything's better than getting stuck with Zenigata and Percy in an elevator." He crept around the corner, and then there was a short scuffle. Knowing Ryo, it was hopelessly one-sided. "Gotcha--" "Leggo of me, you musclebound twerp! I'M RICH! I'LL SUE!" That voice sounds *awfully* familiar. "Got him, Andrew." Ryo announced, holding the guy by the back of the collar. The person in question was a short Animate, round-headed, with messy brown hair, two teeth that protruded from his mouth in a non-bucktoothed way, and a chip on his shoulder the size of the Rock of Gibraltar. "Montana Max. We meet again." I said, remarkably calm. "Were you thinking the same person as I was?" "Scary, isn't it?" Ryo commented. "I dunno...seems like a real runt to me. Think I should throw him back?" "You got nothing on me, copper! I'm clean! More importantly, I'M RICH! I've got more money than you can ever--" "Yeahyeahyeah...so you've got enough money to pay off the deficit ten times over. That doesn't cut it with me. You've got only one chance to answer this question: Did you try to sabotage The Con?" "Ha! You ain't getting me to talk! I GOT RIGHTS! LEMME DOWN!" "You heard the shrimp. Let him down, Ryo." "Gladly." THUD! "Ow! That's police brutality! I--" "You had your chance to talk, Maxie. Now, I'm gonna have to get rough." He sneered at me. "What're you gonna do to me? I'm a kid." I dramatically cleared my throat. "Oh, Fan Boy..." Right on cue, the pudgy little no-life popped out, and immediately latched on to Max. It was kind of like watching a remora glom onto a shark, only more entertaining. "WOW! Montana Max, my favorite Tiny Toons character! Could you sign my autograph book? Can we go up to your mansion and play with all your incredibly expensive stuff and go hunting for girls who wear wigs who hunt rabbits, canwecanwehuhhuhhuh?!" "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" Oooo...the horror...the horror... God, I love this job sometimes. Heh. I waved off Fan Boy for a bit, if only to give Max a few seconds to recover. He was in pretty bad shape. Every hair on his head was standing straight up from sheer terror and disgust, and he was shaking like a leaf. "AwrightIadmititIadmitit!" he screeched. "I wanted to get rid of The Con so that I could build my own theme park and all the geeky fanboys would pay *me* money, not all these bug-eyed weirdos!" Just about every Animate in the area took a *little* bit of offense at *that* crack. Before I knew what was happening, several of the more violent Animates loomed ominously over Max. Understandably, he cringed. In less time than I can describe, Max was pretty much reduced to a throw rug on the hotel's carpet. I made a note to have someone extradite him back to Acme Acres. I breathed a sigh of relief. The Con was almost over, and the hotel was still standing. Mission accom-- A deranged cackle interrupted that thought, and I grimaced. "Thought you'd seen the last of me, huh, copper? Well, I've got a surprise for you! I've planted enough bombs to level this hotel! You know what the best part is? The fans HELPED ME!" "How'd you--?" "I stuffed bombs in UFO catcher dolls and GAVE THEM AWAY FREE!!!" "Oh, crud." I muttered. "You got sixty seconds, copper! Sixty seconds to nowhere, baby! You're all gonna--" WHUMP! Roach, meet mallet. Mallet, roach. "Ryo, take care of Max and the roach. I've gotta evacuate the hotel." "How're you gonna do that?" he asked, dragging the two suspects behind him. "There's a *reason* why I have a Robotech Perfect Collection CD with me. You know, the one with the bad Minmei songs?" Ryo rushed out, knowing exactly what I had in mind. I dashed to the front desk, digging out the CD from my pocket. "I'm gonna need your intercom." The girl at the desk punched a few buttons, then handed me a microphone. "You're on, Detective." "This is Detective Andrew Mays, head of security. I'm going to need everybody to evacuate the hotel as quickly and calmly as possible." And there was nary a creature stirring. Time for plan B. I shoved the CD into the player, then cranked up the volume. Armageddon in the form of a brain-dead singer screeched forth from the speakers, making everyone scream in pain. Within ten seconds, there were only two people left in the hotel: Me, and some big guy with a badge name of "Zoner" who was taking in the song. My God, there's actually someone who *likes* Minmei? "C'mon, movemovemovemoveMOVE!" "Just a sec..." he promised. "I just want to listen a bit longer. It's almost to the good part." All right, time to bring in the heavy artillery. I turned on my walkie-talkie. "This is Trenchcoat One. I'm going to need Total Evacuation Contingency One NOW." Stan's voice crackled with static. "But C-ko is still in Teensborough." "Stan, she's TEC number two. Send in the clown." "The Joker?" he asked, puzzled. "The *other* clown." I replied, sounding just a *tad* bit tense. "Oh, hello Mr. Police-Guy with the trenchcoat of brown!" he greeted me with that godawful painted face of his. "Is there some person with the unhappy face that you want for me to do with the funny things?" Zoner's face twitched. He responded in the only sane manner possible. "CLOOOWWWNNN!!!" he bellowed, and sprinted out the doors. Well, that did the trick. "No, but thanks anyway, Mr. Clown." "You're sure?" he asked in that annoying Jerry Lewis voice. "Yes, *very* sure." With that, I grabbed him by the wrist and dashed through the main doors. As annoying as he was, I couldn't just leave him behind. Everyone was gathered outside the hotel, still covering their ears from the sonic Minmei torture. Nobody looked particularly happy to be listening to her, and at least one guy wasn't happy *not* hearing her. The crowd was beginning to recover when an explosion slammed us off our feet. Looking back, the hotel had totally collapsed. It wasn't much more than rubble. Everyone gaped for a long, horrible moment. I dreaded facing a potential panic situation, what with my support a few blocks away. Then, everyone cheered. I think it was more because Minmei had been silenced than the actual explosion. Thankfully, most of 'em were on the way out anyway. With all the debris, it'll be hell to dig out any-- Oh, criminately, that was my favorite tie that I left in my room! DAMN! Okay, who saw this coming? The hotel's totally trashed, and the Lovely Angels say that it's not their fault. Really, it wasn't. The good news is, nobody got hurt. I guess we had Mihoshi to thank for that. Well, that and an old Robotech CD. "You want us to WHAT?!" Uh-oh. That sounded like Kiyone. Wonder what fate decided to dump into her lap this time? "YAAAHH!!!" she screamed, dashing towards me and grabbing me by the trenchcoat lapels. "The 3WA and the Galaxy Police want me and Mihoshi to TEAM UP with KEI AND YURI on a PERMANENT BASIS!" "Wha?" "They--they said that since nobody got hurt, maybe we should join up to keep the damage down. WHAT DO I DO?!" she screamed hysterically. Oh boy. "Now, calm down--and would you please let go of my trenchcoat?" She blinked, let go, and calmed down a bit. "Sorry." "You might want to tell your superiors about Article 43, Paragraph 2 of your standard contract." "Detective, they're not giving me enough hazard pay in the UNIVERSE to work with those...silicone bimbos!" I hushed her, looking around to see whether or not the Lovely Angels had heard that little remark. For once, luck was on Kiyone's side. "You're thinking about Paragraph 1. Paragraph 2 states, and I quote, `If an assigned duty is deemed by the actress in question to be either highly objectionable or exceedingly dangerous, she may, at her discretion, select an alternate.' Got anyone you don't like?" I joked. A slow smile crept across her face. It looked good on her. "Well...Mihoshi shouldn't mind--" "I think she's going to stick with you." I pointed out. Kiyone flinched. "Got another fall guy in mind?" "Well, come to think of it..." She activated her commlink. "Yes, could you please send down Operative A? I have a new assignment for him." "`Operative A?' Is that really his name?" I asked. "He insists on being called that." "So...who *is* he?" "Remember the first Tenchi movie? The guy with a gun arm?" "That putz? Didn't he get torn up by the villain?" "Special effects, unfortunately. He kept insisting that his shots be redone, his dialogue be rewritten, that kind of thing." "A real primadonna, huh?" She nodded. "Strangely enough, Kain was better behaved than him." "Now *that's* kind of scary." We watched as a GP ship landed nearby. A gangplank extended as a hatch opened. Operative A, a dog-like humanoid, marched down and saluted us stiffly. "Reporting for duty, Detective." he said in a vaguely growling voice. "Operative A, I presume?" I asked. "Yes, sir!" Damn, he sounded like someone who was still in boot camp. "You realize that this is a highly important assignment that I'm about to give you. The fate of the city, perhaps even the planet is in your hands. I won't blame you if you refuse this assignment. Lesser souls have died trying to accomplish this mission." Okay, so I was hyping it up. I was banking on the guy's sense of duty to get Kiyone out of trouble. "I've never failed a mission yet." he said proudly. "I don't know," Kiyone said. "Once you accept this mission, there's no going back. It's finish the mission or be reassigned in disgrace." "I welcome the challenge." he growled impatiently. "You sure you can handle it? It's a big job, and I'd hate to have to give it to a quitter. If you succeed, you'll ease the tensions between two influential groups." "The assignment?" Operative A asked, getting a tad angry. Kiyone brought out a datapad. "Just sign here, here, and here, and put your thumbprint here. That means that you'll accept full responsibility and that you're fully committed." We shared a discreet grin as A signed his life away. "Done. May I be shown to my new post?" "Sure," I said agreeably, seeing as how this poor sap was getting the shaft. "Your contacts are just beyond that destroyed building. Believe me, you'll know them." "Thank you." He nodded curtly, then marched off. Moments later, Kiyone and I heard a bloodcurdling scream. A few seconds after that, we watched the Lovely Angel take off. "Now, if only it were that simple getting rid of Mihoshi." Kiyone remarked. "You're on your own for that one," I reminded her. "Thanks," it occurred for her to say. "No problem." I looked around at the wreckage. "I'd better get going before somebody decides to loot what's left of the hotel." "Anything you need help with?" I managed a smile. "Nah, I can handle it. Besides, most of the fanboys are gone. It's not like they're gonna give anybody any real trouble." "Kiyone! There you are!" Mihoshi chirped. "I've got to go." she said in that vaguely fatalistic voice. "Take it easy, Kiyone." As I walked the perimeter of the hotel, I heard something faint in the background. It was a voice, male, and somewhat familiar. Now, where have I heard that voice before? "GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!!!" Oh, yeah. Carl Macek. Following the source of the yelling, I saw Mr. Anime AntiChrist himself, wrapped in the remains of a 3x3 Eyes Perfect Collection tape, hung on a jutting piece of wreckage. Below him, two guys were taking turns trying to hit Macek with a couple of broomsticks. Judging from the number of broken broomsticks, I'd say that this'd been going on for a while. WHACK! "Ooh, nice one, Larry. A little higher, and that would've really hurt." "Thanks. I think it's your turn--?" "Ahem. Gentlemen..." I think it's a testament to my reputation in the city that the guys straightened up as quickly as they did. "Mind if I ask what's going on here?" I tried to keep my voice official. "Just playing pinata with Macek, Detective." the taller one explained. I recognized him as the straggler when I was evacuating the hotel. "Thank God you're here, Detective!" Macek shouted. "These no-life purist fanboys were trying to tenderize me!" "Is this true?" I asked them. Both of them nodded. "We found him in the wreckage," Zoner explained. "He'd just managed to piss off Kei and Yuri...and survived. So..." "Uh huh. Guys...you can't go around hitting Carl Macek with broomsticks." They both bowed their heads. "You need SOMETHING BIGGER!" I handed them each a Really Big Stick (tm), and they grinned. "Do you want the first whack, Larry?" Zoner gestured to the Anime Anti-Christ (tm). "After you, of course." Larry replied. "I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB FOR THIS, MAYS!" Macek bellowed. I would've said something that could've burned his hair off, but I was interrupted by the sound of hoofprints. Turning around, the three of us saw a metallic horse galloping towards Macek, ridden by none other than Vampire Hunter D. D sliced Macek free, and easily caught him. "This must be my lucky...day?" Macek's sigh of relief turned to a yelp as he realized that D was doing the glowing eyes and fangs routine. "I'm afraid you have other obligations, Mr. Macek." D told him in the coldest voice I'd ever heard him use. Carl Macek's scream could be heard for three blocks as D carried him off to wherever. "Didn't I help write something along these lines?" Larry commented to himself. "Keep your noses clean around here, okay?" I asked. These last few days'd really taken a toll on me. Let's see...gotta take care of the damage control, make sure Max gets sent away, get some food for Meg, and...make a note to talk to Nene. "Mreow?" Ah hah. Well, there's one down. "Hey there, Meg," I said, kneeling down. In response, she jumped into my lap. Very affectionate for a kitten. Usually they're more aloof than a Vulcan. "You hungry, kiddo?" I didn't receive a response. The little one'd fallen asleep, her tail twitching this way and that. Needless to say, this was incredibly cute. To be honest, I'd never counted myself as a cat owner. Part of the reason was that I had a big golden retriever when I was a kid, and cats always seemed so...smug in comparison. Looking at this little bundle, though...well, if I don't keep her, Nene's definitely gonna volunteer for the job. Speaking of whom, where is that kid anyway? Oh, there she is. She looks kind worried, though, like she's searching for something...or someone. "Hey, kid," I called out. "Looking for someone?" "Andy, have you seen...oh, *there* she is." Nene's face lit up as she saw the kitten snuggled into my lap. "Aww...she's adorable." "Want to keep an eye on her?" Blinkblink. "You don't want her?" "My apartment manager hates cats. I dunno why. I figured that you might want to give this kid a good home. Besides, she likes you." "You think so?" "If she didn't, I think she'd let us know." "Mew?" Looks like Meg's awake. "Hey, there," I said, scritching the fuzzball around the ears. She purred as she rubbed up against my fingers. "You're gonna have to stay with Nene for a bit, okay?" "Mrowr?" If I didn't know better, I'd say the kitten looked puzzled. "Come here, Meg." Nene knelt down. Meg looked at me, then Nene. I'd swear that the little bugger actually shrugged before jumping into Nene's waiting lap. Criminately, this has been a helluva day. I'm gonna be neck-deep in paperwork trying to explain this one. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that same guy with the fishing hat trudging over to his friend, who still had Makoto on his arm. The guy looked a little crispy around the edges. He coughed once, and a puff of smoke came out of his mouth. Usually, I don't eavesdrop on conversations, but this whole ordeal left me a little numb. Besides, I didn't have anything else better to do. "I can't believe that I got fried by a cute girl--" KAFF! "Great. Now I'm like Godzuki." the guy groused. "Godzuki, quick! Call Godzilla!" the taller guy joked. "Funny. I paid for your ticket, registration, hotel room, and even those UFO catcher dolls you just *had* to have. Ingrate." "Need I remind you, Doc, that you also shanghaied me on this little jaunt?" "Details, details..." "Want me to zap 'im again?" Makoto asked. "No, Mako-chan. More than one zap only builds up a tolerance. Just ask Ataru Moroboshi." "I'd rather not." she replied. "What's so interesting?" Nene asked. "I think my problem with Makoto is about to be solved." I told her, still sitting on the bench. "Huh? How so?" "Just watch." "Mew." Meg added. "Geez," Doc exclaimed, whapping the heel of his hand on his forehead in frustration. "It's not all *that* bad. Sure, the hotel got trashed, but look at the company we're keeping. She's cute, tall, she can cook, and she can defend herself. She seems to like you, and she doesn't have a boyfriend, so...what's the problem?" The tall guy, Marty, shifted a little. "Well, she's a bit...um, young, isn't she?" "Hey, I was 14 when the series started right?" Makoto corrected him. "That was seven or eight years ago. Don't worry about *my* age." "But you weren't really `born' until you first appeared, which means you're really not even 10." Marty pointed out. "Um...gee, I never thought of it like that..." "Jee-zus quack, Marty...it's not lke I'm asking you to go down on your knee and propose to her, for crying out loud! It's just that I think you two look good together." Doc smirked. "Besides, she's cute, and she has these nice, deep green...eyes..." The guy trailed off as he looked at her, then shook himself out of it. "Sorry. Got lost in 'em for a bit. Where was I? Something about proposing, I think?" "Well, the proposing part comes later, if--" "Proposing?!" Makoto exclaimed. "Wow, you really mean it?" "Mako---" Marty protested weakly. Very weakly. "I *knew* it! Love at first sight! You're such a romantic." she declared. "Ah, yes, well--" the guy's protests were cut short when Makoto glomped onto his arm and gave him the patented Sparkly Eyes, capable of reducing even the most iron-willed men into mush. "Oh, now how am I supposed to say no to that?" "You don't. Just wondering, though...can I be your best man? Or does that honor go to your brother?" Doc asked. Marty sighed. "Come on, Mako-honey. Let's get you someplace where we can talk about this before Mr. Matchmaker here has to give me a shovel." "Why give you a shovel? You're doing a great job already. But seriously, you could do a *lot* worse..." "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your armpits, Pearson, and may Kodachi Kuno take a liking to you." "You're welcome." Doc replied with a smart-ass grin, then glanced my way. He let the tall guy and Makoto walk on ahead as he ambled my way, dusting himself off. "Hey. You guys know what happened to the hotel?" I told him. He rolled his eyes and sighed, as if he was expecting something more outlandish. "That was an evil, *evil* idea." he declared. "You got anything else to say, Gilligan?" I asked, referring to his hat. He winced. "Yeah. You two look good together." I think both of Nene and I went bug-eyed at the same time. The guy smiled, shrugged, and followed his friend. Nene and I gaped at him, then looked at each other. I think we were both considering that guy's last words. Hmm... "This is Grand Poobah to Trenchcoat One, over." Great. He's probably going to drag me over the coals for this one. I sighed and took out my walkie-talkie. "Trenchcoat One here. Go ahead and say it, Chief. I blew it." "What're you talking about? You saved everyone from getting blown up along with the hotel." "Are they gonna rebuild the place?" "It'd cost too much money not to," the Chief replied. "I can see them putting slogans into next year's flyers now...`the last Con was a blast, and we all made it okay,' or something like that." I nodded in agreement, even though he couldn't see me. "Sounds about right. I don't suppose I could get some time off?" "Wish I could give you some, but you know how it is." "Yeah, I know." I said, frowning. "You might want to check out your favorite restaurant and take Nene along. For your good work, the precinct is paying for dinner." I smiled. "Thanks, Chief." "You might want to have Nene drop off that kitten, though. They don't allow pets inside the place." Okay, that was weird. "How'd you know she has a kitten?" The Chief hesitated on the other end. "Umm...pay no attention to the car across the street from you." I looked up and saw the Chief's civilian car. He grinned nervously and waved. Well, far be it from me to refuse such a generous offer. "I'll try not to break the bank, Chief." I said before shutting the walkie-talkie off. Getting up, I offered my arm to Nene, who took it. Meg was still cradled in Nene's arms, and purred contentedly. You know, a moment like this *almost* makes up for all the crap I took during The Con. Almost. Nene hooked her elbow with mine and leaned on my shoulder as we walked to the parking garage. Okay, *now* we're even. -----------------------------------THE END------------------------------------- ---------------------------WARNING! AUTHOR BABBLE!---------------------------- Yet another Anime Detective story under my belt. Hm...there's something to be said about that, but I'm not sure what. :-) Yes, I *realize* that this is my biggest Anime Detective story yet. At last count, it was a whopping 168 K. Could I have trimmed it? Maybe. Would that have done justice to that disjointed experience that conventions can be? Nope. Well, anyway, you're probably wondering who all those people were in those cameos. John is none other than John Walter Biles, author of many a Ranma and Sailor Moon fanfic. Why he's frozen from the neck down in ice is the idea of his cohort in crime, Jeff Hosmer, who co-authored AD: Valentine Visitation. It wasn't my idea, Biles, really! :-) Yes, I've *finally* found a way to get myself into the Anime Detective universe! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. :-) The idea was suggested indirectly by Larry Mann, who noticed that Makoto seemed to be a hanging thread, so why not have Marty take care of this? Considering Marty's attitude towards attending cons, I decided that *I* should get him, kicking and screaming all the way. Yes, Zoner *was* the last one out of the hotel. If you've read Undocumented Features, you'll understand why he's not fleeing from Minmei. I think I should warn you that there *is* some foreshadowing of future events in this story. You'll just have to look around to see what might come this way. Some other comments...I will be the first to admit that this story doesn't have a terribly coherent plot. Then again, are convention experiences very coherent? :-) You're shuffling off from place to place, scrabbling around in the dealer's room for a good deal on who knows what, and trying not to gape at the people in costumes. Now does that sound coherent to you? All I can say is...whew! This story took the better part of, what, two years to finish? I honestly think that I'll be writing Anime Detective until it's time for me to stop...in which case, I *can* promise you a good ending. In the meantime, though, feel free to send me some e-mail at: pmui1@prodigy.net <--new address (again!) Yes, I know..."You changed providers *again*, Doc?!" Hey, it's not my fault that my providers keep changing on *me*! Until next time, see you in the future! Pearson "Doc" Mui May 12, 2000